DO: Remember the true meaning of the holidays. Make time to celebrate the religious miracles at the very heart of the season. Take, for example, the worshippers of Our Lady of Toast. Instead of ooh-ing and ah-ing over a shiny chrome pop-up toaster from Williams-Sonoma, their heads will be bowed over perfectly browned slices of white bread as they consider the miracle that is "Sunbeam ToastLogic." Only after this solemn observance will they slather on the marmalade and pig out. That's because the toast-loving folks at Our Lady know on which side their bread is buttered. If you'd like more information on the sect (including news, quotes, FAQ, and "Toast Tales"), check out the site. Their doors are always open.
DO NOT: Eat too much. Even toast. Say it out loud: "I will not gorge myself on the selection of fine meats and cheeses." And if grandma dips into the Christmas Recipes and makes her Grilled Goose with Prune Stuffing and Gravy followed by Chocolate Rum Mousse Pie--even so, use restraint. If you do eat more than your fair share, keep in mind that a couple capsules of slippery elm go a long way to cure gastritis. Or, if the local apothecary is all out of slippery elm, try a chamomile infusion. How do we know? We've been exploring the herbal remedies section of GardenGuides, "a growing resource for gardeners." We even found something to cure our anxiety! BTW, anyone got an extra tincture of lemon balm?
DO: Remember to light the fruitcake on fire. This is a classic party trick that will win you instant respect and admiration. Most standard-issue fruitcakes contain industrial low-grade cooking ethanol (ie. "rum") which can be ignited with a few flicks of your Bic. In fact, legend has it that the Wright Brothers celebrated the first sustained aircraft flight at Kitty Hawk with several helpings of flaming fruitcake. Learn about this and other great moments in aviation history at Flights of Inspiration. Browse historical photographs, read diary transcripts, or design your own model airplane. The sky's the limit.
DO NOT: Go on vacation to some remote, tropical island without sending postcards to your loved ones. By sending a tacky postcard, you're almost guaranteed to ease the jealous rage that engulfs your abandoned family. Who can resist a little missive written on the back of a kitschy card? And if you're lacking inspiration, check out The Tacky Postcard Archive, a collection of choice items--some crass, some tasteless, and some downright disturbing. Aunt Gertie will love it!
DO: Learn the difference between a satellite and the Star of Bethlehem. Luckily for the three wise men, the thousands of man-made objects whizzing around the planet are a fairly recent phenomenon. Otherwise, they might have wandered aimlessly for years and, as a result, Jesus might simply be regarded as an uncannily good carpenter. In any case, it's probably a good idea to keep tabs on the progress and position of the night sky's newest star, the International Space Station. Visit this NASA site for real-time station tracking, viewing opportunities, and astronaut home movies. You'll also find articles on missions past, current, and future, plus links to NASA's own e-commerce endeavor.
DO NOT: Pull the old mistletoe-on-the-bill-of-the-cap stunt. It's a tired joke mainly perpetrated by social outcasts and distant relatives. If you really want to get smooched, wear a red, fur-lined speedo and introduce yourself as "Naughty St. Nick." If that trick fails, you can always go home and watch some television. Every day, the fine folks at TV Ultra pick the finest program available. While they firmly believe that 95 percent of television is pure tripe, there's usually something worth giving a gander. Recent picks include "The Handmaid's Tale" and "Behind the Music: MC Hammer." Throw in a clever blurb and a few relevant web links, and you've got yourself a nifty online stocking stuffer.
DO: Make a mental note to follow up later with an apology, should things "go awry" at a holiday party. Last year we had to say sorry all the way through Easter before management would talk to us again. How were we to know that the "grape juice" was actually a bottle of Chateau Petrus 1981 wine valued at over $500? Drink it quickly with a straw straight from the bottle and it tastes decidedly like a can of Welch's. Can you say "Oops?" Oh well, thankfully this year we've become members of the Wine Society of the World. They've made it their business to sell hard-to-find wines online. We're taking a bottle of Chateau Gruaud Larose 1975 to the party. What are you bringing? Up to you. Happy holidays and take your pick(s).
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.