A Pail
We're looking for a sturdy pail to scoop dirt with; preferably a die-cast HandyMan model with a swivel handle. We'll be using it to dig up a pile of dirt in the backyard approximately one city block wide and nineteen miles high. That's the estimated amount of earth excavated during the tortuous 40-year construction of the Panama Canal. Discovery Online has an interactive timeline about the project for interested Web surfers, but we want to actually live the Panama Canal experience. We'll be digging dirt eighteen hours a day, sleeping in mud, eating bark, and eventually contracting Yellow Fever and perishing. It'll be a small price to pay for recreating one of the greatest structural achievements in world history. We have the will, we just need the bucket.
A Velvet Smoking Jacket
We really need a velvet smoking jacket--the kind that that fits in well at wine and cheese poetry readings. It's a New Year's resolution we have -- to attend more poetry readings -- inspired by the late, great James McIntyre, aka "The Chaucer of Cheese." If you don't know McIntyre's work, definitely check him out. A prolific poet, he is best known for his "dairy oeuvre," or cheese poems. "Ode to a Grecian Butter Urn," "To brie or not to brie"--that kind of thing. In fact, just the other evening we had a particularly rousing time sitting around quoting from his "Ode on the Mammoth Cheese" (about a seven thousand pound chunk of the yellow stuff) while munching on a nice bit of Gorgonzola. Yum! Break out the Jarlsberg, it's time to rhyme!
An Erector Set
We're trying to construct an exact 1:1200 scale model of the Golden Gate Bridge, for a Super 8 film we're planning called "Attack of Humphrey the Giant Scary Gerbil Monster." In a series of horrifying disaster scenes, the film will feature Humphrey systematically destroying every single famous American structural landmark. We're basing our set designs on Built In America, a vast collection of photographs, blueprints, and sketches detailing some of this country's most famous buildings. Thanks to "Built in America," Humphrey will soon be rompin' and stompin' on such beloved architectural landmarks as the Xavier del Bac Mission in Tucson, Arizona, and the Beebe Windmill in Bridgehampton, New York. We've got the talent (Humphrey), we just need the erector set.
A Sanitized, Hermetically Sealed Living Environment
You'll be asking for one, too, after spending time at The Hidden Killers, a Thinkquest98 student site dedicated to deadly viruses of the world. After reading up on the highly fatal Marburg and Ebola bugs and learning about the military uses of viruses, we started feeling slightly paranoid. Kind of makes you look twice at the egg nog. So this year we're asking for 100% self-containment: a biosphere with pure air, pure water, pure soil, pure everything. Whatever it takes to keep the viruses away. At bare minimum a gas mask. Government issue. Standard fare. In military green. What do you say?
A Bottle of Vinegar
Seriously. Fact is, Uncle Chester's got corns again (gets them every year around the holidays) and, according to the Wacky Uses site, vinegar is a sure-fire cure. This nifty resource lists tons of little-known uses for everyday household products. For example, did you know you can clean a sink using Alka-Seltzer? It's true. And author Joey Green says that you can ... well, better yet, here's a direct quote: "Make a poultice of one crumbled piece of bread soaked in one-quarter cup Heinz Vinegar. Let poultice sit for one-half hour, then apply to the corn and tape in place overnight. If corn does not peel off by morning, reapply the poultice for several consecutive nights." Enough said.
A Flashlight
A flashlight sure would come in handy during those attacks of screaming terror in the storm drains. So far we've been using candles to explore the sewage system underneath our offices, but as soon as some jokester yells "Boo!" it's lights out in a hurry. We've noticed several flashlights in use at Visions from the Underworld, a photographic exploration of the "hidden, derelict and abandoned drains, reservoirs, bridges and industrial sites of Sydney, Australia." While we're partial to the spooky atmospheric flickering effect of the candles, they often fall in the water. They worked fine in the janitor's closet, but we need to start getting serious about our spelunkering. (Another New Year's resolution.)
So there you have it: the Yahoo! Picks team's wish list for the holidays. Of course, we left "world peace" off the list, because it's such an obvious number one. And we also left off the Historical Atlas of the 20th Century, because we already have a really nice one. But, like ties, you can't have enough atlases. It's up to you. Know what you're going to get us yet? Take your pick(s).
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.