Jackie Chan as...
Omi Bent Blewie
The boozing stepson of an itinerant Tatooine coal miner, Omi Bent Blewie quickly realized that he possessed a special gift--the ability to combine the brute power of the Force with the velvety kick of St. Ide's malt liquor. Laugh helplessly as he lurches erratically towards Stormtrooper sentries! Giggle with glee as he struggles to activate his lightsaber! Gasp as he flattens said Stormtroopers with an unbelievable roundhouse headbutt! Of course, when Omi isn't kicking butt or cracking forties, he's checking out NY Cabbie, a startling collection of photographs and stories from real-life New York cab drivers. Omi browses the photographs, scans the shocking stories, then thanks his lucky stars that he lives on a sleepy little planet called Tatooine.
Martha Stewart as...
Princess Marge
She can fry a perfect Naboo egg just by looking at it. And Dricklefruit bread with fresh Tatooine berries? Best in the galaxy! In fact, when it comes to Fine Cooking, there's no-one in the entire Empire better than Princess Marge. Luke and Leia's much older half-sister, Marge was the unexpected result of a fling their mother ("The Queen") had with an injured Jedi Knight during the Clone Wars. At the time, the Queen was a nurse on the hospital ship K'ai Serper Manente, and the velvet-voiced Jedi Knight (suspected to be Obi-Wanton Kenobi) was recovering from a nasty Jawa bite. The Princess has a central role when Han and Luke are arguing about whether to poach, boil, or simmer some Wookiee meat.
A random Culkin as...
R2DVD2
A recent article in Consumers Digest Online (titled "These Are the Droids We're Looking For") describes the R2DVD2 as "stunning" and "revolutionary." A vastly improved version of the original model (the popular R2D2), the R2DVD2 comes with a complete home entertainment system, offering "superb picture quality," and "Dolby Surround Sound that'll make your knees weak." This new model is extremely popular with bounty hunters who enjoy watching movies during the many hours of "downtime" afforded by warp-speed travel. Naturally, C-3PO is rankled by the development. Look for friendly banter between the duo throughout the movie.
Charles Nelson Riley as...
Iambic Pen Tameter
For a Jedi Knight, what is a fate worse than death? To be displayed as a block of frozen carbonite in Jabba the Hutt's lair? To be digested over 1,000 years in the belly of the Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon? Nope. To really suffer--to truly feel pain--a Jedi must be banished to Sonnet Central in the Dagobah System, a small planet occupied by exiled Jawa poet-laureate, Iambic Pen Tameter, feared throughout the Empire for his ruthless tendency to quote Gerard Manley Hopkins. Watch breathlessly as Yoda tries to escape during a particularly rousing version of "It is a Beauteous Evening, Calm and Free."
Margot Kidder as...
Princess Equalatia Montrassian
Princess Equalatia Montrassian, 13th Royal Incarnate of the Montrassian Dynasty and Divine High Priestess of the Church of Calgonia, holds the key to the eternal secret of the Universe and will do so forever. Only the Princess has the power to destroy the Empire and rescue the Rebel Alliance from certain doom and destruction. Woe unto anyone who attempts to mess with this woman. Her secret? Learning from American Visionaries: Frederick Douglass, an exhibition dedicated to "the father of the civil rights movement." As an abolitionist, human rights and women's rights activist, orator, author, and social reformer, Frederick Douglass was one of the most important figures in 19th Century America. The Princess realizes this, which is just one of the many reasons why she rules the world.
Babe the Pig as...
Gurglo Klumpt
As one of a host of strange and nasty creatures in Boba Fett's "Funtime Cantina," Gurglo Klumpt serves little purpose except to look weird and emit a cackling squeal after somebody says something ominous or gets whacked. A young Anakin Skywalker is rudely taunted by a surly Jawa? Gurglo squeals. Boba Fett laserblasts an Imperial Guard into next Tuesday? Gurglo squeals. You get the general idea. When Gurglo isn't adding production value, he's clicking around The Sushi Guide, a friendly introduction to the fine art of eating sushi. Gurglo is especially impressed with the tips on purchasing equipment, spotting quality fish, and preparing sticky rice. Thanks to the Sushi Guide, Gurglo's nibbling on fresh sashimi in between squeals.
John Goodman as...
Edwin M. Stanton (the Hutt)
Conscripted into the Empire's forces through an unlikely combination of time-travel and garden fertilizer, long-deceased U.S. Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton cuts a menacing figure in gold spectacles, wool waistcoat, and Stormtrooper-issue anti-gravity breeches. Armed with the Empire's latest recoiless plasma rifle and a rigorous Methodist upbringing, Stanton unloads the full, hotblooded wrath of Radical Reconstructionism on a helpless Ben Kenobi. Tremor in awe as Stanton howls "I'll give you Ullyses S. Grant!" while laying down a murderous barrage of lethal liquid fire. A far cry from the character's more sedate appearance in The Impeachment of Andrew Johnson.
Jesse "The Governor" Ventura
as...
Ambitious Rebel Wingman #2
Piloting his sleek Y-Wing fighter with the fearless bravado of a seasoned ace, Ambitious Rebel Wingman #2 is confident about the ultimate success of the Alliance. Still, he has questions: Will the new regime go too far too fast? Will a system of galactic taxation be unduly burdened by the bureaucracy of interplanetary currency coversion? So listen close and hear this burly fighter-jock calling out "Red Leader! Red Leader! Vader's on your six...and I firmly believe that improving public-school education is the key to ensuring the future of a strong Rebel Alliance." And don't be suprised if ARW #2 offers a strong challenge to Princess Leia in the upcoming Supreme Council elections. A 260-pound pro wrestler? A princess with a bad hairdresser? Take your pick(s).
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