Frank Lloyd Wrong!
There's naughtiness afoot at Frank Lloyd Wright's famous "Falling Water" retreat in western Pennsylvania. Sources say the American landmark is a being used as a den of devious delights by a rambunctious gang of frisky game show hosts including Bob Barker, Chuck Woolery, and Alex Trebek. Disgruntled neighbors have woken to late night shouts of "I'd like to buy that AND a vowel!" and "Footsies for $500!" Apparently the house's handcrafted furniture has also been replaced with Santa Fe parlor suites and Magic Fingers recliners. No doubt Frank Lloyd Wright, the preeminent architect of the Twentieth Century, is spinning in his Le Corbusier-inflected coffin. Yours truly can only hope that those boys find somewhere else to play pin the tail on the Sajak!
Calling All Stars!
In Tinsel Town last Friday eve, anybody who is anybody turned up at Spago to celebrate the launch of APB Online, a web site that provides comprehensive crime news to the world. Naturally, it was a theme party: Courtney Love wore a skin-tight prison jumpsuit, while OJ Simpson sported his famous wool cap and loafers ensemble. For hors d'oeuvres, chef Wolfgang Puck served petit quiches stuffed with pieces of bacon and small metal files. And who was that blonde we saw handcuffed to Brad Pitt? Do tell if you've got a clue. Our secret source tells us that in the wee hours of the morning the real men in blue had to be called in to get David Hasselhoff (dressed as a cat burglar) out of a particularly tall tree. Harumph!
Here's Looking at You, George!
From wining and dining to plain old whining. Everybody's favorite Doogie WOWzer, ER heartthrob George Clooney, is at it again. But this time the curiously gorgeous George has taken the complaints about media harassment even further. It seems that while on location in the Netherlands, Mr. Clooney had some trouble with the living arrangements. Speaking on the telephone to yours truly, he admitted that he "felt watched by the world" and that everything he did--open the fridge, use the phone, visit the toilet--seemed somehow to be monitored by (his words) "something or someone." We pointed out to Doctor Dearest that the entire house he was staying in was wired to the Internet and that you could follow practically everything that happened in it at Icepick, a web site that is "cool and to the point." That's when the line on the other end went dead. We'll update the story as news trickles in.
All Work and No Play Makes Stanley Team up with Mickey!
Sources say that filmmaker (and suprisingly competent salsa dancer) Stanley Kubrick has agreed to write, direct, and star in a new version of the Disney classic The Love Bug. A certain Ventura (we're talking pet detective, not Minnesota governor) is in negotiations for the Dean Jones role, while Kubrick will strap on the white helmet of "Tennessee Steinmetz," first made famous by Buddy Hackett. Reports indicate that the eccentric auteur will "reinvent" the critically reviled comedy by injecting long passages from the MIT Encyclopedia of Cognitive Sciences into the otherwise lowbrow script.
E.T. Phone 911!
Who was that handsome hunk seen canoodling with supermodel Naomi Campbell at Saturday's Chicago Blackhawks game? Chances are it wasn't Toh-Loo-Ka, cuddly, electronic plaything and star of Furby Autopsy. A source close to the site tells us that the malfunctioning moptop was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and rather than returning the ersatz extraterrestrial to place of purchase, its owners decided to "cut first and ask questions later." Happily, the results are in and it appears that Toh-Loo, not unlike several of the remaining cast members of Beverly Hills 90210, simply had a screw loose and was missing part of its brain. All's well that ends well! Right, Naomi?
Put Another Bunyip on the Barbie!
Tabloid helicopters hovering over down under (Perth, Australia, that is!) have snapped a series of scintillating photographs of aging Aussie heartthrob Paul Hogan with his current septagenarian squeeze, Cheryl Ladd. The two lovebirds were snapped deep in the Australian Outback, sporting the latest in adventure wear; he in a tan leather blazer by Givenchy, she in a smart khaki pants suit by Chanel. The occasion? Bunyip hunting, natch! According to Paranormal Magazine, our new favorite occult rag, "Bunyips are creatures that lurk in swamps, billabongs, creeks, riverbeds, and waterholes. They emerge at night, making terrifying, blood-curdling cries, and devour any animal or human that dare venture near its abode."
And in Other News...
Yesterday at an impromptu Times Square press conference, hotdog vendor Manny Lackowitz unveiled his fall line of disturbing non-sequiturs. The show lead off with "I like pistacios. Give me back my squirrel!" at which point the assembled crowd of three potential hotdog purchasers made a brisk dash for waiting taxicabs. Manny continued on gamely despite the lack of audience response, hitting on topics as diverse as "listening to birds, frogs, and other animals" and "living in a barren cage of despair and empty sauerkraut tubs." The conference ended as quickly as it began, with Lackowitz trundling hurriedly down West 42nd Street doing a credible imitation of O'Hare Airport Tower-to-Air Radio Traffic. It was quite a sight to see, take our word for it. Or, if you prefer, you can always just take your pick(s).
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