So you're going on a blind date? Nervous? Sure, your mother has invested so much time and thought into this, but don't sweat it. Heck, if you adhere to the following blind-date "dos and don'ts," things ought to proceed swimmingly. Go on. Give 'em a try. They've worked for us literally hundreds of times.
DO: Drive carefully. Keep your eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel whenever you and your date are alone in the car. Studies show that 93% of all fender-benders occur on blind dates. You should be driving, but instead you're turning your head, sizing up the person next to you, telling silly jokes, not paying attention to that silver BMW up ahead, and next minute ... WHAMO. An expensive, humiliating, and very short date. You can, however, play name that vanity plate. It's a clever ruse: if the two of you are looking at the cars around you, searching for vanity plates and trying to figure out what they mean, you're a) keeping your eyes on the road, and b) having fun together. You'll score major points.
DO NOT: Wear your Mobile Cranial Internet Interface on this first, exceedingly important date. The large protruding headphones will impede attempts at conversation, while the mirrored LED visors will severely hamper your ability to see. It's fine to wear your MCII and surf the Web while riding the bus, walking the dog, taking a shower, etc., but you don't want to rub off as too cold and impersonal. You can always tune into Rolling Stone Radio, the new online radio service from Rolling Stone Magazine and RealNetworks, the next morning when you're mowing the lawn. But trying to make small talk over linguini while using a big metal helmet to surf the Web is a bad idea. Trust us.
DO: Pick a restaurant where they give you crayons to doodle before the food comes. (This will give you a chance to critique your date's doodles.) Take a cue from Scott McCloud's "Understanding Comics," the funny and perceptive comic book about the comics medium. Note the Japanese manga influences, the use of dialogue bubbles, the various means of connoting action on a static piece of paper. Tell your date that comics are a vibrant art form woefully underappreciated by the staid institutions of high art. Then draw a purple horsey and title it "I Love You, Mommy."
DO NOT: Try to be too humble. Instead, remember to casually mention over aperitifs that you're a world-record holder, as this is sure to impress even the snootiest of blind dates. Do not mention that your world record is in guppy gulping; that would be counterproductive. Granted, 300 guppies gulped in under a minute was no mean feat, but you don't want to reveal your ace-in-the-hole too early. Simply smile coyly, and refer your date to the Guinness Book of Records for further details. This strategy is sure to provoke interest, or maybe even a spirited game of twenty questions.
DO: Be open and honest, but also carry a small notebook and periodically interrupt the dinner conversation to furiously scribble into it. When questioned about your behavior, demur at first, but then finally admit that you are preserving "this magical moment" in your diary. It will create a potent mixture of sensitivity and sentimentality, not unlike the voluminous pages of The Open Diary, where anonymous journalers share their daily thoughts and emotions with the world at large. If your date goes well, we recommend that you post your innermost feelings about it to a similar Web site or possibly a Usenet group.
DO NOT: Use the phrase "Don't go there!" Besides being a stale remnant of 1997 (along with "Talk to the hand," and "Man, that Titanic movie is gonna bomb"), a lot of people subscribe to the philosophy that there isn't anywhere they can't go. You might want to familiarize yourself with this way of life by perusing Infiltration, "the zine about going places you're not supposed to go." Read up on the Paris Catacombs and college steam tunnels, then order some back issues of the print version to sprinkle liberally around your apartment. As the evening progresses, you'll find that many doors will open for you. And for God's sake, don't say "Show me the money!" At least, not on the first date.
DO: Be a good listener. And don't be afraid to jump in with a good story that fits the occasion. For example, if your date recently suffered a loss (say, their goldfish died), mention the ancient Anasazi notion of Sipapu. Unless the person has been living in cave, they'll understand that a "sipapu" is essentially a entryway from the spirit world to our world. Such a new direction in the conversation need not necessarily have anything to do with a dead goldfish, but it should confuse your date enough to have them forget about their own troubles for a while. If this doesn't work, bring out the big guns and barrage them with a torrent of facts about the Anasazi Indians. We've seldom seen this fail.
DO NOT: Get too stressed out about all of this. If you follow these guidelines you can rest assured the date will be a tremendous success. And who knows, if things go that well, maybe over dessert you can tell your new friend about your intimate knowledge of Pink Floyd's early years? No, you're right, that shouldn't come up until at least the fourth or fifth week. Still, you decide. It's up to you. Take your pick(s).
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.