Scriptwriter - Dream of being head writer for The X-Files? Enjoy working with 8-inch action figures? Then we've got the job for you! The Web Adventures of Mulder and Scully, an ongoing photoplay featuring molded plastic action figures of everyone's favorite FBI agents, is looking for an apprentice writer. Send a sample script of not more that 300 pages dramatizing Scully's investigation into the molecular make-up of Stretch Armstrong. Also include an action sequence that features Mulder battling a Cabbage Patch Kid with weird psychokinetic powers. Format guidelines are available upon request. Salary negotiable. Benefits include health coverage, generous 401(k).Lighthouse Keeper - Are you an incurable insomniac? Love bright lights, but not big cities? Enjoy extended bouts of near interminable solitude? Legendary Lighthouses is looking for a self-motivated, non-team player to manage a tall seaside building that emits a single revolving beam of light. The earliest lighthouses were bonfires built on hillsides to guide ships. The first real lighthouse served the old world city of Alexandria in 285 B.C. The first American lighthouse was built in 1716 at Boston Harbor. But you don't need to know any of this. Must have working knowledge of Fresnel lenses, tautline hitch knots, and barnacle scraping. Penchant for sea shanties a plus.
Security Guard - The American Museum of Photography is looking for qualified individuals to help protect the permanent collection of this up-and-coming cultural institution. Despite the fact that exhibits are only available online, the museum director feels that it's imperative to provide adequate security to preserve national treasures such as "The Birth of Sideburns" and "Streetcar Conductor's Bum." Applicants must be familiar with the techniques of early photography, own their own nightstick, and demonstrate the ability to "glare disapprovingly."
South American Tour Guide - Have you always dreamed of helping people Experience Nicaragua? Here's a chance to make your dream come true. Teach the world all about Central America's largest republic, with a tour that includes a look at Nicaragua's history, economy, culture, and more. Show off your cooking skills with popular local recipes. Push yourself to physical limits with a hike in the Nicaraguan highlands. Test your business acumen with a study of the country's financial situation. C'mon! What are you waiting for? Send resume and photo of yourself in an outdoor setting wearing Birkenstocks.
Replacement Ballet Dancers - Due to a recent labor dispute, a distinguished, nationally recognized ballet company has an immediate need for temporary workers. If you have previous experience in Swan Lake, Appalachian Spring, or crossing picket lines without police protection, give us a call. No need to look, move, or enjoy ballet like a classically trained dancer. No moderately coordinated human specimen will be turned away. Teamsters are encouraged to apply. Bring toe shoes, practice leotards, and a copy of the American Ballet Theatre's Online Dictionary. Meet on the corner of Broadway and 57th, next Tuesday, just before dawn.
Rich Bastard - This fulfilling position requires a fat wad of cash. Rise to the exciting challenge of trying to figure out just how much money can buy. Job requires a deep familiarity with American history (must instantly recognize the difference between George Washington, Andrew Jackson, and Benjamin Franklin). Candidates must also exhibit a willingness to travel to (and possibly purchase) remote tropical islands. Must also be willing to eat at the world's finest restaurants. Membership in the Forbes Magazine list of the 400 Richest People in America is preferred, but not required. They say it's lonely at the top. Are you ready to give it a try? (Excellent benefits. 1.2-million-dollar non-refundable application fee.)
Renaissance Man - You: steeped in Shakespeare, adept at archery, handy with a hawk, quick with a quip, fashionably dressed, noble-born, diplomatically savvy...generally an all-around great guy. Us: the Renaissance Exhibit from the Annenberg/CPB Collection. "Renaissance," French for "rebirth," aptly describes the intellectual and economic changes that occurred in Europe from the Fourteenth through the Sixteenth centuries. We're looking for someone who embodies these stunning accomplishments in mathematics, music, and art to join our telemarketing team. You'll be working with 300 other well-rounded telemarketers to help us meet our quarterly financial goals. Ask about our generous beanie-baby incentive program.
Foreign Correspondent - Razor Magazine, the cutting-edge ezine from New York City, is looking for an intrepid foreign correspondent for our Jakarta Bureau. While Razor covers a wide range of timely issues including the latest underground films, fashion trends, and sports happenings, we really need someone for Jakarta. Laurel Hatt, previous correspondent, came to Indonesia as an English teacher just prior to the recent unpleasantness. The streets lit up, Suharto went down, and Laurel split town. We're offering a free plane ticket and three duffel bags of rupiah. What are you waiting for? Pack your bags, grab your passport, and take your pick(s).
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