Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where we've been obsessing about our obsessions. And that's not because we're paranoid. Let's just say fanaticism is a passion of ours. We're compulsively drawn to hopeless devotion. We're addicted to unrepentent craving...
For instance, we pay rabid attention to caloric intake. That's right, the entire Picks staff is watching what we eat. We're watching ourselves eat donuts and Philly cheesesteaks and big, steamy platters of nachos and Buffalo wings. But at least when we're done misbehaving we turn to DietWatch to record the carnage. This nifty tool for the health-conscious offers a food, weight, and exercise diary that can be synched online and accessed via multiple computers, plus a host of community tools such as nutrition news, message boards, and chat. Hopefully, if we continue to use DietWatch, exercise daily, and stay off the Ho-Ho's, we'll be able to fit into our old bandwith in no time.
Whenever we feel overly self-conscious about our personal appearance, we tune into Wild Feed TV for a quick "it could be worse" pick-me-up. What are wild feeds? Raw satellite transmissions that often contain footage of politicians, news reporters, and other television personalities primping and fussing before they appear on television. New York video-maker Jed Rosenzweig presents several choice clips of these bored, irritated, and self-obsessed media types: Arnold Schwarzenegger practices his on-air chuckle, MTV's Tabitha Soren yawns, and George Stephanopolous powders his nose. Now that's entertainment!
We've also developed a real obsession with Jean Fourier's theory of heat propagation within solid bodies. To wit--if we put a Spiderman shrinky dink and a Hulk shrinky dink in the toaster oven for ten minutes, why come the Hulk turns out smaller? We tried to find the answer at Mathematician Trading Cards, an all-star collection of famous math wonks through the ages. From Arichmedes to Godel, Pythagoras to Ramanujan, these collectible trading cards feature dazzling career stats and action-packed photographs. Unfortunately Fourier's card didn't mention anything about shrinky dinks, but we did manage to trade it for an Eisenstein rookie card and three packs of watermelon-flavored chewing gum.
We also harbor some serious obsessive issues regarding didgeridoo music. Whenever someone starts tooting on a hollowed-out tree trunk, we stagger around swatting at imaginary flies and reciting Proust. We've been coming to grips with our curious affliction at Gallery Songlines, a beautiful online gallery of aboriginal art, culture, and music. By immersing ourselves in ornate sand painting, cryptic tree bark murals, and vivid nature photography, we're taming our personal didgeridoo demons and learning a little maturity in the process. So put another shrimp in the billabong and waltz with that platypus, mates!
Don't get the wrong idea: obsessions can be fine, just as long as they don't stay pent up. That's where the Web comes in. For example, just the other day we saw a news story on David Letterman's infamous stalker--you know, the one who breaks into his house all the time. Our first thought: "She obviously doesn't have a web site." You won't find anything about it the DSM-IV psychological manual yet, but we all know it's true--build an obsessive fan site and you'll feel oh so much better in the morning. There's something really, really cathartic about turning adoration into a frightening excess of HTML--getting your hands dirty with frames, tables, weird fonts, oversized images, page counters, and the like. Ah yes, it soothes the soul like nothing else.
Speaking of soothing, there's a little something going around here that we feel the need to address. Lately, every time we send off a memo to management, it gets bounced back to us. But instead of the customary red slash marks and "We told you to leave!", now our notes return in various poetically sculpted shapes. They're quite beautiful, but also troubling: we don't know what to make of them. (So far, the only thing we have been able to make is a lovely little Garden of Origami.) Point is, we're obsessed with knowing what management actually means when they keep repeating "You're fired!!!"--and this latest development leaves us a little...uncertain?
Talk of obsessions hardly seems complete without a mention of all the folks out there who "dance on the edge." You know the type: the ones who sky-surf, bungee-jump, rock-climb, attend Barry Manilow concerts. But, we'll have no part in that. We've got a much more literal approach and simply have an obsession with dance--mainly because we're no good at it. (Our date to Uncle Chester's wedding is still in traction. Sorry about that!) Anyway, we've tried everything to improve, including reading the entire collection of Dance Instruction Manuals (dating from the 1490s to 1920s) located at the Library of Congress. Unfortunately, the research hasn't helped much. We still have two left feet, which is awkward since we have two right shoes. O Macarena, why have you forsaken us? Much sorrow...
Of course, the really cool people never have to dance. That's because they're in the band. For as long as we can remember, we've dreamed about being in a cool, indie-rock band. Touring the Midwest. Stuffing 1,000 pounds of P.A. equipment into a decrepit VW Vanagon. Thumbing through the dictionary for a cool band name like "Rebar and the Jellycats" or "Tippi Hedren's Mink Poncho" or--well, you get the idea. Perhaps that last dream deferred explains why we still pause with indescribable glee over sites like GORBY, the "Generator of Random Bandnames." Sure, it's been done before. Maybe even done better. But it's never been done with a picture of Mikhail Gorbachev wearing headphones. And when you think about it, that really makes all the difference...
Hopefully by spilling the beans about all of our obsessions, now we'll be able to move forward with a new commitment to mental clarity. First step: playing Quake for 36 straight hours while consuming massive quantities of carbonated beverages. C'mon along, it'll be fun. Don't forget to bring an extra joystick. And don't forget to take your pick(s).
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.