Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where it has come to our attention that some of our previous statements, while legally accurate, were nothing but lies, lies, lies. They were all grammatically correct, but in terms of accurate subject matter, ixnay. Sorry about that! The following is a list of non-truths in question:
April 14, 1994:
Okay, so we were "less than accurate" (our lawyer's phrase) when we described Mad Trivia as the "place where Alex Trebec goes when he's really lonely." We saw the claim as allegorical. We didn't know it needed to hold up "in court" (again, our lawyer's words). Still, we were "right on the money" (our bookie's words) when we said that the site offers a daily helping of thematic trivia challenges, and offers cash prizes to lucky winners. You'll also note that the sentence "You can even check your score against the thousands of other daily contestants," is completely factual. So, nyah nyah nyah! (Our cousin Mikey's words.)
July 3, 1994:
We were accused of plagiarism for the paragraph that began: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers set forth to surf the Web and discover cool sites like the memoirs and diary of Civil War soldier Jefferson Moses." To this day, we are completely baffled by the charge, but we did not mislead anyone by recommending the site. The online diary contains fascinating snippets of text from Private Moses, lovingly collected and put online by his great-grandson. There are also assorted photographs and related Civil War links. Of course, it really doesn't matter if we quote liberally from uncited sources, since the world will little note nor long remember what we say here.
February 16, 1995:
"Nope. There are no ghosts in Borley Rectory, England. Nary a one." Whoops! Open mouth, insert foot. Turns out Borley Rectory, the most haunted house in England, is swarming with the white-sheeted varmints. Vincent O'Neal, whose mother was a Rectory resident in the Thirties, presents an impressive archive of evidence: strange sightings, scrawls on the walls, mysterious fires, and floating bricks. The floating brick in question was actually photographed by a LIFE magazine journalist on April 5, 1944. Not much sense in arguing against that one. But this much is true: there are no goats in Borley Rectory. Nary a one.
October 17, 1995
Marion Kaplan, award-winning freelance photographer and travel writer, hosts a captivating online gallery of photographs from Kenya, Portugal, and Spain. This lush portfolio of exotic imagery does not, as we previously implied, feature "shocking backstage snaps of the Stones '72 Tour that would make Marilyn Manson blush." However, you will find a wide array of Tutsi children, Portuguese farmers, and Arab sailors. No ribald shots of Mick and Keith up to their usual naughtiness. Sorry for the confusion.
July 4, 1996
Remember our voicemail message that began, "Hi! This is the father of our nation, George Washington, speaking to you from the Picks Central Oval Office in beautiful, downtown San Francisco"? Well, we cannot sustain a lie: George actually phoned that in; he wasn't even in California at the time. We just wanted it to be authentic, like all of the cool messages up for grabs at The Answering Machine. Offering sound files by category -- everything from movies to "weird" -- the site has something for every occasion. Anyway, after checking out the selection, we realized the error of our ways. The General wasn't a "good fit" to begin with. We should've gone with the King instead. Or at least the Duke.
September 32, 1997
Not all of the falsehoods have been entirely our fault. Sometimes, we honestly thought we were right, when in fact we simply were not. For example, remember the time the press asked us to characterize the stock market, and we said, "It's a real roller coaster ride"? Wrong. Bad. Trite. Yet, we only realized this after spending some time at Amusement Park Physics, a site that asks the question "What are the forces behind the fun" and then proceeds to answer it. After learning about how the laws of physics affect roller coasters, and even designing one of our very own, it occurred to us that we were way off base with our previous comments. But you can't pretend to know everything. So we're sorry for that, too.
August 17, Last Week
We have one more unrelated confession to make. Last Monday, when we called in sick with stomach troubles, groaning loudly into the receiver like a Madagascar Humpback Whale--well, actually, that wasn't us at all. That was a Madagascar Humpback Whale. It's just that--have you ever really heard the sound one of those magnificent animals makes? Believe us, the first time you do, you'll understand why we did what we did. Their song is so evocative, so eerily human you'll do all you can to try exploit the situation. So, anyway, we're sorry--and we're willing to take that day as vacation time, if must be.
Well, that's all of them. We've thoroughly scoured the calendar for fallacies, mistruths, and other veracity-challenged quips. Please remember, we didn't so much lie as tried to tell the truth and failed. Several times. Take our most humble apologies, and please, take your pick(s).
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.
