Picks: We're in trouble, man. We've got a deadline in three hours and we're all tapped out. We're begging you. Don't make us run another Dilbert site.
Deep Web: Hmm. [SOUND OF CIGARETTE BEING LIT] There's some new malarkey from Microsoft....the Terraserver. They've got a terrabyte's worth of stored satellite images that you can download. You can click on your hometown to see what it looks like from space. Speaking of surveillance, you're sure no one followed--[COUGHING, WHEEZING]
Picks: Nah, nah. We're fine. What about some crime? You got anything crime-ridden?
Deep Web: You want crime? Check out Gang Land. New York Daily News Reporter Jerry Capeci has the goods on organized crime in America. The gang's all there: John Gotti, Vincent "The Chin" Gigante, and Salvatore "Sammy Bull" Gravano, among others. Check in for daily columns, trial updates, family trees, and concrete shoe-sizes. And don't miss the racy photographs of [GARBLED]
Picks: Wow. That's sure-fire. What else?
Deep Web: Gimme a sec. [PUFFING] Okay, you didn't hear this from me, but check out the activities at The National Forum on People's Differences. The title alone should tell you what it's all about, but the great thing is that any visitor can ask or answer any question posed at the site. What a terrific idea: build understanding of our differences with an online forum in which people can address "no holds barred" cultural questions. [SUSPICIOUS NOISE CAUSED BY AGENT BROOKS ACCIDENTALLY DROPPING A TIRE IRON INSIDE THE SURVEILLANCE VAN] Hey, d'you hear that noise? Who's there? That's it. I've said too much already. We're not safe. Keep your eyes and ears open. I smell a rat.
Picks: What do you mean?
Deep Web: What do you mean what do I mean? [HACKING, RASPING] Look, it's pretty straightforward. "Keep your eyes and ears open" means--well, with your eyes, it means opening your lids so that light can pass into the retina and interact with various photoreceptor cells, so you can see what's happening. With your ears, it means allowing your hair cells' cilia to vibrate to the motion of sound waves and produce electric signals, so you can hear what's happening. Sure, I didn't actually smell a rat, that's a metaphor, but the interesting thing about smell is... What? Why you looking at me like that? Oh heck, just visit Seeing, Hearing and Smelling the World. Scientists use fascinating new findings to help us "make sense of our senses." You'll like it. Trust me, I--
[FOUR MINUTES OF SUSTAINED DEATH-RATTLE-TYPE COUGHING AND EXPECTORATING]
Picks: Uh, listen. Last week you kept saying to "follow the honey" or something, so we went out and found Swingin' Chicks of the 60s. Now with all due respect, a site that features Twiggy, Sally Field, and Jacqueline Bisset is... you know... but what's that got to do with--
Deep Web: No, no, you morons. Follow the money, not honey... Besides, if you want to learn about 60s culture you should visit The Psychedelic Sixties, an online exhibit from the Special Collections Department at the University of Virginia. Focusing on literary tradition and social change, the site covers everything from the Beats and Black Mountain poets to the Vietnam War and Civil Rights. It all makes for interesting reading, but you'll also find images from the University's actual collection: book covers, photographs, [PUFFING] posters, and the rest. Hey, are you sure no one followed you here? What's that ice cream van doing over there?
Picks: No, no, we're fine. We're clear. Got anything juicier? Maybe a little controversial?
Deep Web: C'mere. Closer. No, closer. Okay, too close. [WHISPERING RASPILY] Two words: Monty Hall. The biggest controversy since Watergate. Anyway, you remember the guy, right? He ran this TV hustle called "Let's Make a Deal." Had people dress up in crazy outfits and pick one of three curtains. Then he shows the prize behind one of the other two curtains. It's a total dud. Then he gives the contestant a chance to switch their original choice. Should they switch? I can't say. But those two wackos from NPR's "Car Talk" can. Check out the site.
Picks: Sounds good. But what if people don't remember Monty Hall? You got a bigger name?
Deep Web: Hmmm, lemme check my notebook. Ah, here you go--Harry Shearer. That's two letters bigger. Oh, you meant bigger bigger. I gotcha. Well, that works too. Shearer is big in the movies...Spinal Tap, Godzilla, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars...and in television...Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons...and on radio, and in print, and on CD, and probably at your local Elks Club to boot. He's a funny guy. And the site has sooo many audio and video clips, you'll be set for a long time. He's even got a batch of found items that he's snatched from the backroads of the media superhighway. Very hush-hush. And very big. [SOUND OF CIGARETTE BEING LIT BY ANOTHER CIGARETTE]
Picks: Alright, that should be plenty. Thanks. Same time next week?
Deep Web: Sure. Just remember to bring a pad and pencil next time. That manual typewriter is drawing too much attention. And, oh yeah, don't forget to check out CNN/SI Home Run Rally, a cool Shockwave baseball simulator just in time for the All-Star break. Okay, that's all I got. Amscray. And don't forget to take your typewriter and your trench coat and your leftover tuna-salad sandwich. And your pick(s).
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