Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where we've been reeling at the news that Ginger Spice is leaving the Spice Girls, pop music's latest supergroup. But, you know, after visiting 6 Billion Human Beings--a fascinating exhibit about the world's population--it occurred to us that there are a whole lot of people in the world, and any of them (okay, most any of them) could very well be the new Spice Girl. Just think of the possibilities! Here's our short list...
Sporty Spice
Yes, of course, there already is a Sporty Spice, but we have to admit we're not really convinced of her true "sportiness." The new, improved Sporty would have a serious working knowledge of all sports--amateur and professional. From croquet to curling. She'd easily shift gears from soulful bubblegum balladry to discussing the ramifications of basketball's 24-second shot clock. She'd probably visit Sports History on a daily basis, perhaps trading locker room banter with site proprietor and longtime sportswriter, Ralph Hickok. They might ruminate on the history of bowling, or try to come up with a snappy lyric for an upbeat number about badminton. She'd be the one who asks ruefully, "What rhymes with shuttlecock?"
Useless Spice
At concerts Useless Spice could take center stage between songs and entertain the crowd with repartee such as: "Hello Tuscaloosa! Did you know that Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?" (Loud applause, mad screams, a shimmering wave of lighters.) Then, "Boy, are we glad to be here. How many of you know that the oldest word in the English language is 'town'?" (More cheering, someone faints and is carried away through the teeming mass of shrieking fans.) Finally, "Now we're gonna do a tune for you that I wrote one night after learning that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Hit it!" (Crowd roars, band kickes in, all hell breaks loose.) We're very fond of the idea of a new Spice Girl who struts around quoting useless facts. Of course, she would also wear a spandex catsuit and very large sneakers. That goes without saying.
Rollercoaster Spice
Reflecting life's many ups and downs, Rollercoaster Spice will be the one who makes some people scream with delight and makes others green with nausea. Naturally, The Discovery Channel will do an online piece about the new star, and yet there will always be people who live in fear of her. Regardless, the video footage will be a) plentiful and b) astounding. What more can you ask for? [Note: You will have to be at least 4-feet-10-inches tall to buy the next album.]
Brainy Spice
Between maintaining the band's web site and balancing the tour budget on the back of a napkin, Brainy will work to stay up-to-date on her computer programming skills. Of course, she'd zoom through an introductory site like Pinky and the Brain Learn C++ in about 15 minutes. Still, she might recommend it to the legions of slide-rule-wielding fans that follow her exploits in teen magazines like Hot Hyper-Smart Celebs and Nerdbeat. Brainy would also be in charge of wardrobe, as she could effortlessly improve the aerodynamics of the group's miniskirts and go-go boots.
Sweaty Spice
We want Sweaty to be modeled after Mikkel Aaland, the award-winning photographer and digital media expert who spent three years touring the world in search of the perfect sweat. From Finnish saunas to Russian banias to Turkish hammans, Mikkel displays several of his steamy photographs in CyberBohemia, a captivating online portfolio of sweatbath venues. Aaland also worked as a county fair portrait photographer and spent several years in Japan studying with a Shinto priest--so we're also thinking maybe Ferriswheel Spice, or Sword of Heaven Spice. Ideas?
Cabbie Spice
After a hard night of dropping to the beat, Cabbie will rev up her big yellow Spicemobile and take over for Bud Carson, a philosophic cab driver who works the graveyard shift in San Francisco. She probably found Bud through Captivated, a stark new e-zine featuring daily dispatches from cab drivers, prison inmates, and bartenders. Dedicated to "exploring the depths of American reality as few have before," Captivated offers several unique perspectives on life and how to live it. Hopefully, our new Spice Girl will be featured in an upcoming issue. ("Tonight we played to 30,000 screaming fans in St. Louis...the despair was palpable.") We've got our fingers crossed.
Incarcerated Spice
When Cell Block D's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking. Incarcerated Spice will be culled from the surly crew of outlaws, gangsters, and thieves populating the pages of Crimeboss, a fan site dedicated to the covers of crime comics of the forties and fifties. Playing the part of a sneering outlaw vixen, Incarcerated and her hunchbacked cronies will rob banks, harass the elderly, and generally wreak havoc about town. Of course, her run-ins with the law could prove troublesome for the group, causing the need for another quick replacement...
Sedated Spice
She would spend most of each live performance taking a nap in a big comfy chair, only stirring to croon one of the songs from Prozak for Lovers. So, don't forget to take your medication, and your pick(s).