Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where we've been busy cleaning house: buffing the teaspoons, dusting the china, shoveling out the rabbit hutch, you know the drill. Consumed with an urge to purge, we uncovered several unusual items, not excluding an old bag of Cheetos, the contents of which curiously solidified into a Single Mammoth Cheeto. If you think that's weird, wait'll you see what else turned up...
One of the first things we found, disused and dusty in the back of the hall closet, was our thinking cap. Before tossing it on the rubbish heap, we decided to give it one more spin around the mental block. Adjusting the big, floppy brim at a jaunty angle, we headed off to Spizzerinctum to test our wits. By combining obscure vocabulary with current news headlines, the site manages to simultaneously inform, enlighten, and make rubes like us feel dim-witted. Sure enough, our chapeau de pensée provided absolutely no help as we floundered with words like "philoprogenitive" and "adiaphorous." So if you're in the market for a nylon-mesh baseball hat that reads "I'm With Stupid" next to an arrow that points straight down, just let us know.
In the attic we discovered a broken bicycle chain, a tire pump, a damaged styrofoam helmet, and an extra-wide sheepskin bicycle seat. All remnants from the wild shopping spree that followed our visit to Bicycling Magazine, a great cycling site that features all kinds of interesting articles for casual and hardcore bikers alike. Check out the helpful BikeFinder, which comparison shops among 4,800 cycles for your perfect match. We went with a 365-speed all-aluminum contraption from Finland. Haven't used it since the unfortunate incident at the Shriners Parade in Dubuque, but that's a story for another time.
Next stop: the chimney. The dark and menacing flue frightened us, so we hired a dozen singing cockney chimney sweeps to take care of the job. It was a good call: they swept, sang, and suggested we check out 3WK Underground Radio, a hip Net-only radio station that spins all the alternative hits. Listeners can request songs, catch the latest charts, win CDs, and vote for their favorite tunes. Featured anti-corporate rock stars include Garbage, Curve, DJ Shadow, and Sonic Youth. Apparently chimney sweeps really dig Sonic Youth.
We uncovered a pile of old records in the tool shed, including the original Bob Dylan Basement Tapes, the fabled Beatles Black Album, and a couple of old folk anthologies. Perhaps we should donate the latter to California Gold, an outstanding collection of tunes and more from the WPA California Folk Music Project of the 1930s. View photographs, read various documents, check out the wide array of instruments, and listen to the actual sound recordings via RealAudio. Our favorite track was the first one, "A - roodle - tum - toodle - tum - too." Beats the heck out of that "chim chim chi ree" song.
After a couple hours of rooting around under the cellar stairs, we had two big trash bags full of all the faddish crapola that we've accumulated over the years. Amongst the loot we found three pet rocks, a CB radio, and half a dozen Rubik's cubes. If you want a full run-down on our wretched refuse, just take a tour of Bad Fads, a thoroughly entertaining look at the kooky fashions, collectibles, activities, and events that came, went, and yet are ultimately classic. We were particularly chagrined by the entry on sideburns since we ditched ours in 1993, just before they came back in style.
Of course, Bad Fads hasn't quite caught up to the Nineties -- maybe we should donate the 17 Tamagotchis that we found stuffed between the cushions of our couch. We don't need them, now that we've found Godzilla vs. Tamagotchi. Fire up the Shockwave and help the lizard king squash little pixelated pipsqueaks into oblivion. Not only is it therapeutic, but it's great practice for this summer's obligatory blockbuster. Speaking of which: anyone need any McDonald's/Independence Day collector's cups? It seems we've got a couple of extra sets.
Mind you, this wasn't just a "physical" house cleaning; we also threw out negative feelings, bad attitudes, and any other remnants of spiritual malaise we could get our gloved hands on. All part of the larger "Spring Cleaning of the Soul" campaign we instituted after a visit to Keyboard Yoga, an online resource offering "basic yoga postures and self-massage techniques you can do right at your keyboard." We recharged our karmic batteries with the spinal twist, the Turkey stretch, and the third eye massage. We've also entered a new plain of well-being with our deep-breathing exercises (not that we weren't already full of hot air).
So, the place is marginally clean, and now we're standing in a pile of rotting Lincoln Logs, broken Big Wheels, and musty comic books. Worthless trash or priceless nostalgia? We can't figure it out. Maybe if we let it all sit for a while the answer will come to us. Okay, so we can't take out our trash, but you can take your pick(s).