(A note from Yahoo! Management: It seems the Picks staff has mysteriously barricaded itself into several adjoining cubicles, creating a highly fortified, impenetrable stockade. Anyway, in lieu of this week's Picks, we've agreed to publish their "charter" -- whatever that is.)
Whereas, our office is easily blockaded, and
Whereas,
Daylight
Saving Time is cruel, confusing, and makes the dog wake up an hour
early,
We hereby establish the Kingdom of Pixonia, Land of
Standard Time, to be regulated by the laws included herein:
The good people of Pixonia shall only speak the as-yet-to-be-determined language known as "Pixonese." Speaking a language other than Pixonese will result in spanking. All Pixonian web sites shall follow the format of Thai Culture, a great online resource for learning about art, theater, film, and other cultural offerings in Thailand. At the site educate yourself on the traditional Thai Shadow Play, listen to local radio via RealAudio, hear examples of Thai rock, jazz, and classical music, or watch RealVideo clips from Thai television and films. You'll also find links to other Southeast Asian resources. Hail Thailand. Hail Pixonia!
Furthermore, every now and then, citizens of Pixonia shall visit Rotodesign, a San Francisco-based graphic design site, to view its awesome collection of online wackiness. Pixonians shall learn about child surgeon Billy Precocious, appreciate the subtle nuances of Hong Kong film subtitles, explore weird foreign snacks (we hereby declare asparagus biscuits to be the national foodstuff), and much more. Past delegations have particularly enjoyed the confessional dedicated to failed magazines. In fact, let it be known from now on that plans to launch our own 'zine, titled Homepage and Garden, have summarily been scrapped.
Furthermore, from this moment forth let it be known across Pixonia that it's all right to get a low score on the MCI Great American Net Test. After all, as stated previously in Article 324-i Paragraph 4a (near the bottom) of this same charter, it's not whether you win or lose, it's that you turn up for work at all. But, also let it be known that the test is fun, with questions on history, arts, geography, science, and more. The point is to measure the "public's ability to navigate and use the Internet" using various search engines and directories, and we, citizens of the Kingdom of P, are okay with that. In the words of our fearless leader, "Cool."
Furthermore, we hereby mandate that all Pixonians culpable of excessive wastefulness shall be banished to the rapidly expanding landfill that is the United States. According to the Garbage site, "If your habits resemble those of average Americans, you contributed 1,570 pounds of solid trash, 23 tons of hazardous waste, and 3,613 pounds of sewage to the world's waste this past year." Looks like the U.S. is number one in the refuse business. Browse this sobering resource for advice on how to prevent garbage, wastewater, and potentially harmful chemicals from corroding our environment. Pixonians (and Americans) could also learn a lot from recent waste management legislation in Denmark.
Furthermore, in light of recent unpleasantries resulting from the heavy consumption of Twinkies, Pixie Stix, and caffeinated beverages, the Kingdom of Pixonia vows to be ever vigilant in the reduction and prevention of substance abuse of all kinds. To this end, all citizens are requested to peruse Close to Home, the companion site to the PBS special "Moyers on Addiction." The site offers information on the science, treatment, and prevention of addiction, as well as real-life stories and analysis of government drug policy.
Furthermore, we declare that the new Pixonian Constitution shall be drafted in a colorful, appealing comic book format. We hereby enlist the superb talents of comic book artist Mr. Biggs who will proudly serve his country by drawing easy-to-follow illustrations addressing human rights, free speech, and the like. Under no circumstances will he populate our new constitution with his usual deviant fare of suburban peeping toms, tweaked-out hipsters, and narcoleptic muggers. For more examples of these subversive scribblings, peruse Mr. Biggs's Big Bag O' Comix Links at your peril.
Furthermore, having replaced the 40-hour work week with the 40-hour weekend, we now require stimulating leisure activities for our citizens. Therefore, we declare Indoor Miniature Golf the national pastime, due to the fact that a) it can be played at all hours, day or night, rain or shine, and b) it requires absolutely no athletic skill. Inspiration shall be drawn from Mika's Down Under Miniature Golf Course, an 18-hole storage-room symphony of gentle rolling greens and nerve-racking hazards. In this fun-loving spirit, all Pixonians are required to take a bunch of astroturf and Fisher-Price toys and recreate Pebble Beach in their basements.
Furthermore, all citizens shall daily join in the singing of our national anthem:
O Pixonia, our nice and pleasant land!
There is
no daylight saving time
And garbage dumps are banned.
O Pixonia, thine cubicles are great!
With mini-golf in every basement,
Asparagus biscuits on every plate.
O Pixonia, our brave new happy home!
Where professional sports are
illegal
Due to the alarming increase in unsportsmanlike behavior in
the major American sports, as aptly noted by The
Sports Fine and Suspension Ticker, which shows a running tally of
league fines and bail payments that have been forked over by pro athletes
in the current calendar year.
Furthermore, take your pick(s)