Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where we've been celebrating the arrival of our new Yahoo! Visa Card. In fact, we were so excited about actually getting approved (Thanks for co-signing, Uncle Chester!) that we took several days out of our busy workweek to do a little window-shopping. Browser window, that is. It's no secret that for a long time we've had our eyes on several of the Web's wackier products. Here's just a small sample of the loot we picked up on our plastic-powered shopping spree...
First off, we didn't want to be greedy with our newfound purchasing power. As much as we enjoy buying tastefully decadent trinkets for ourselves, we also like to help others. So we sprang into action and purchased a Cracker Whacker. Why? Because at Animal Olympics we learned that birds can have trouble finding food during winter. Now, with a flick of the wrist, we send tasty treats into the air for the little birdies, and with the Whacker's 60-foot range, we've even managed to start something of an ongoing food fight with kids up the street.
Unfortunately, we're not really sure if Ritz Bits are USDA-approved for bird consumption. So, in order to hedge our bets, we decided to splurge for a deluxe model Chia Pet. After all, what could be more appetizing to a bluejay than a terracotta head covered with succulent young sprouts? Heck, even the neighborhood cat seemed interested. As a bonus, we gave our Chia Head a mohawk haircut and stuck some sunglasses on it, and now we're pretty sure we can use carpool lanes whenever we want.
Before you get the wrong idea, not all our spending went to the birds. Indeed, we're proud of the fact that occasionally we buy something useful. For example, after hearing the news that a sizeable chunk of space rock was hurtling straight for us, we did the only responsible thing -- we immediately ran out and bought Asteroid Impact Insurance. A lifetime's premium is only $19.95. And get this: we bought UFO Abduction Insurance at the same time, which saved us two bucks on the combined shipping. Pretty shrewd, huh? Yeah, we're often complimented on our celestial presence of mind.
That's not surprising, of course, since as we grow older and wiser, cultivating fiscal responsibility and personal confidence and deep self-knowledge, we sometimes purchase lightweight model airplanes, superglue common house-flies to them, and watch them zoom around the room. All of this thanks to loving parents, a strong education, and the good folks at Fly Power, an innovative young company "devoted to the intricacies and pursuit of fly-powered avionics." We recently bought five of their Airplane Construction Kits, and thoroughly tested them for in-home flightworthiness. Our advice: Put your flies in the freezer for thirty seconds before you glue them into the balsawood cockpit. And don't try to get them to wear those big aviator goggles. They hate that.
As bold as we are in admitting our fascination with insect propulsion, there are some things that we probably shouldn't share in a public forum -- secrets that are so unspeakably heinous that we haven't really even admitted them to ourselves. For example, we've always wanted to buy clown shoes. And now, with Jolly Walkers, we can! Jolly Walkers is a "family-owned business now in its second generation of making high-quality clown shoes." And we personally can't wait to plunk down a couple of hundred bucks for the The Tramp, The Jester, or the ever-popular HyTop (with "quick release," yet). Jolly Walkers, put us down for a baker's dozen!
Too bad we won't be wearing them to our property in Hawaii. The thing is, when the salesman said Maui Buy the Inch, we didn't take him literally. Big mistake. We arrived in the islands -- beach towels, swimming trunks, SPF 500 sunblock, and gas-powered blender in hand -- to find that, alas, an inch of Maui was in fact all we got. Really. Not a pretty picture, the Picks Team trying to play frisbee on a square inch of beach, all elbows, clown shoes, and whatnot. In the end it worked out, though. We bought another inch of sand just a few feet away, and the guy who owned everything around us didn't charge very much for us to straddle his land. He wasn't using it at the time. People are nice that way.
Finally, on a more serious note, we've become increasingly concerned with leaving behind a legacy for future generations to study and appreciate. Lucky for us, we've found Viewlogy. This truly innovative product lets you store a multimedia slideshow (prom photos, report card scans, album covers, etc.) in your tombstone. Your loved ones can also download the content onto their laptops, or hotsync it over to their Palm Pilots for quick and easy memorializing on-the-go. We're not kidding. Take those skeptical grins off your faces, and while you're at it, take your pick(s).
