Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where in the spirit of the New Year we've been making some resolutions. We're proud to report that we kept last year's promise -- to discontinue gratuitous references to Charlie's Angels -- for more than a month. Okay, so we actually kept it for more than an "Internet month," which is about 45 minutes. Still, we gave it the old college try. This year, we'll be sticking to our resolutions like day-old oatmeal clings to a Jaclyn Smith commemorative bowl...
We resolve to think globally.
Ever since the Pokemon/epilepsy episode in Japan, we've been thinking that maybe we should slow down our "go-go lifestyle" and pay more attention to what's actually happening in the world. We began our efforts by reading the Philadelphia Inquirer's feature Blackhawk Down, a non-fiction serial describing the October 3, 1993, Battle of Mogadishu. Told from the perspective of the American troops and Somalian citizens involved in the fighting, the 29 chapters of the report are accompanied by photographs, videos, maps, graphics, a who's who of participants, and a glossary. The series offers in-depth coverage that goes well beyond simple newsbites and soundclips.
This year, we resolve to start keeping a diary.
Seriously. We're going to write down our thoughts and observations, in an effort to psychologically ground ourselves in today's frenzied Information Age. Kind of like the students in Mr. Gall's Second Grade Class at Eastlawn Elementary School in Burnettsville, Indiana. Britany examines the cost of ambition: "In art we made a Chrismus city. Today I was determined to succeed. In music we woched a vidyoh." D.J. learns to appreciate the simple things in life: "We had musike. It wos fun. We plaed games. It wos fun. We had lunch. I got nacho spreme. It wos good." Chris discusses the pervasive violence in mainstream media: "BilyRay Saris sings My Achey Breaky Heart. I got that song in my hade. It goies like this I gost don't thak you understand if you brak my hart my achey breaky heart I mite bloe up and kill this man. That would be bad wodnt it."
We're going to try to be more creative.
You see, this past holiday we got all of our nieces and nephews the usual plush lineup of beanie buddies, digi-puppies, and snooze-and-slobber Ernies, and afterwards we suffered heart-wrenching pangs over our predictability. This year, we're going to go with more innovative gifts, and we've got our eyes on Wrong Dimension Toys. The twisted brainchild of Howard Hallis, part-time Timothy Leary disciple, full-time weirdo, Wrong Dimension is a repository of theoretical toys, chimerical kickshaws, figmental frippery. And remember: just because cool toys like Speedy Motercycle and Twinkles the Tomato Boy are the by-product of a chemically induced vision that Hallis experienced in the parking lot of a Dead show, that's no reason not to love them.
We resolve to stop our indiscriminant use of the tag.
We're taking our cue, of course, from the uber-Bible of all that is annoying on the Web, the oh-so-very-kewl Useless Pages. The UPs have been around since 1994, which you will naturally remember as the year that came right after 1993. Useless as that point may be, it's nothing quite like what you'll find at this classic site. Expounding on everything from the uselessness of cars to the meta-uselessness of wackos, these pages will keep you entertained for hours, if not minutes, if not seconds. Indeed, there's a lot on the Web that can make a person step back and say, "Sweet Jumpin' Kate Jackson!" You'll see plenty of it here, where the UPs have milked it for all it's worth. (For more on this, see the uselessness of cows.) Hey!
We resolve to catch up on our reading.
Recently we were surprised to find that some very important events have been "going down." You see, ever since we let our subscription to Collier's pile up on the coffee table, we've pretty much been out of the loop. For instance, did you know that President Nixon was forced to resign? Yes, we were shocked. Shocked! Stirred to action, we've found the perfect site to remedy our ever-deepening ignorance -- a little something called News Index. The site searches hundreds of online newspapers for any keywords you care to type in, then spits out search results for that day's news articles. Try it. The breadth of the news sources covered is the best we've seen; for example, we tried a search on "Yahoo Weekly Picks" and got 1752 hits for articles in the Journal of Notorious Self-Indulgence. You can't beat that kind of accuracy.
We promise to stop repeating ourselves.
But wait a minute. First, there's another news site we want to tell you about. It's the CNN/Pathfinder Year in Review. What were the ten biggest news stories of 1997? (Besides that Nixon thing.) Well, according to mega-news monolith Time-Warner, number one was the death of Princess Diana, number four was cloning, and number eight was the Israeli-Palestinian deadlock. The site also has sections on the top ten U.S. stories (Heaven's Gate Suicides, JonBenet Ramsey), World (El Nino, Peru Hostages), Sci-Tech (Mir, Cloning), and Entertainment (Ellen Degeneres, Frank and Kathie Lee). (Editor's Note: Weekly Picks can neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Frank and Kathie Lee are, in fact, entertaining.) It sure was one wang-dang-doodle of a year, wasn't it?
This year, we resolve to put forth a concerted effort to understand the Virtual Idols site.
We have no clue what this site is about. It's completely loopy. Is it some kind of anime fan shrine? A synth-pop CD catalog? A William Gibson-inspired, manga-inflected, post-modern parody of the Tokyo Media Establishment? We just don't know. We have a fearful suspicion that it's a glossy catalog for computer-rendered synthetic pop stars that sing catchy bubblegum soundtracks to spasm-inducing Japanese sci-fi cartoons, but that is simply too weird to accept. If anyone has any other suggestions, please let us know.
Finally, we promise to never point to another Titanic site.
Well, maybe just one more. It's either that or help Uncle Chester hang up that Farrah Fawcett poster he got for X-mas. Go ahead. Take your pick(s).
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