Welcome to this week's selection of Picks, where we've been repeatedly entering Amazon.com's The Greatest Tale Ever Told. This interactive fiction contest offers an opening paragraph by John Updike and each day asks aspiring writers to add their own snippet to the story, the best of which earns its author a cool thousand bucks. Of course, after submitting 500 losing entries, we've become concerned about the judges' seemingly arbitrary refusal to acknowledge PURE, UNADULTERATED GENIUS.
So, if you can't beat 'em, shamelessly steal their idea. To that end, we've decided to have our own little contest. Each week, the opening paragraph of Picks will be penned by a famous author, then we'll come in and finish the job. Okay, it's not so much a contest as a way to comfort our bruised egos. So, sue us. (Amazon probably will.) Here are some of the openings you can look forward to:
Well, if you really want to read this week's selection of picks, go ahead. I mean, I actually enjoy a good web site, if it's intelligent and all. Like A Gallery of Regrettable Food can be kind of entertaining, if you buy into that sort of thing. What it is is a "simple introduction to poorly photographed foodstuffs and horrid recipes" of the 40's, 50's, and 60's. I guess the ads are pretty funny, stuff like when Eleanor Roosevelt endorsed hotdogs (she really did) and the Jolly Green Giant was portrayed by actual people. And I suppose some of the other stuff is kind of amusing, with that recipe for "South of the Border Cheesy Meatloaf," and the pictures of Frosty Prune Pie and all. But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of sorry I even started telling you about it. Because even though that damned Yahoo! with that phony exclamation point and everything made me prostitute myself like this, I really miss that old Regrettable Food web site. I really do.
Gillian and Rod hid in the coat closet, whispering sweet nothings between a Herringbone sports coat with elbow patches and a rather oversized faux fur. Rod leaned forward. "Welcome to this week's selection of Picks," he whispered softly. "Oh, Rod," Gillian said, "let's get married and have a baby. I know a wonderful web site, called The Labor of Love, and it's all about the birthing experience. It really is quite comprehensive, built by moms for moms. There's information on home and water births, message boards, a family forum, and over 60 stories about birthing by women around the world. Oh, let's just do it." As Rod turned to embrace Gillian, a shrill voice came from beyond the door. It was Deidre du Pree, heart-throb-at-large. "Rod, darling. Oh, Rod darling, where are you?"
That was the year the van ran on vegetable oil. They waited for it by the side of the road. It is a fine van, he thought, no matter what they say. He remembered his father. The girl looked into the hills for something. She said, "Why are we waiting for it? Let's have one more drink." He said, "It'll be nice. The Veggie Van is a fine thing and everyone will be happy to see it run on vegetable oil." The sky was blue. Everybody waited patiently by the side of the road. She said, "Can we please please please please please stop waiting for it." He said, "The van is travelling across this country. Maybe it will come down from those hills and pass through here. Then we will see it." A car passed. She said, "That would be nice for us, wouldn't it?" He said, "It would be nice and everything will be okay again. Maybe then we can welcome everyone to this week's Picks." She said, "It will be like Paris." "Yes," he said, "isn't it pretty to think so." He wanted to go fishing.
Jane Austen...
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a young web site in possession of good content must be in want of attention. However little known the feelings or views of such a site may be on its first entering the Internet, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the Pick's staff, that it is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of them. Approaching The Magic 8-Ball, we asked if it should like to marry its content with ours. It answered, "It is decidedly so," and its generosity led us to form a desperate resolution to seek information on the inner workings of a Magic 8-Ball. To our delight, it agreed. An illustrated dissection of a Magic 8-Ball, with detailed commentary, tells us how best to drill into, drain, and disassemble such a toy. This experiment, combined with an 8-Ball emulation and a glossary of 8-Balls on the net, brought us much joy.
In The Guide to Unbiological Species, in an area known as the Index, there lived an Abatwa. The Abatwa are small, clan-like creatures who live in anthills. This particular Abatwa was unique in that it lived alongside creatures ranging from the Abtu to the Zombie, in a compendium of creatures who dwell in the world of myth. Brief descriptions there are, and sketches of these beings, these shy creatures of magic and lore. Still, they may be found by those who would dare to use the search function or browse the index, for they have not gone to the havens beyond the sea, but have remained, here, in hiding.
Franz Kafka...
Y! arrived at the web site with all his papers properly in hand. "Is this Roberto Ortiz de Zarate's Political Datasets?" he asked, trying to hide his timidity. "Yes," said the Web Master, "it is. Now log off immediately!" "But I have been summoned," said Y! quickly. "I have been told to browse..." Y! stumbled for the correct words, "to browse this comprehensive database that includes worldwide heads of state from 1945-1997, as well as different political parties and their leaders." "That is both correct and incorrect," said the Web Master, "for you did not mention the Rulers Dead in Violent Circumstances. Now wait in this sub-page for another sub-page. You will be connected at 2,400 bps when the time is right. "But, but..." stammered Y!, feeling like a software bug, "I just want to browse!" "We all want to browse," said the Web Master. "Yes, we all want to browse."
James Joyce...
Once upon a Picks and a very good Picks it was there was a web site scrolling up along the screen and this web site that was scrolling up along the screen met a nicens little boy named Zaphod O'Beeblebrox. riverrun, past Simon and Schuster's upcoming CD-ROM adventure Starship Titanic, from author Adams to band of bytes, brings us by comedic satirus of reloading back to Galactic Star Traveller Magazine and environs. I put my mouse above it yes and click it down to me so I could laugh at his jests all funny yes and his puns were going like mad (magazine) and yes I said yes I will Yes.
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