Lately we've been poring over Yahoo! Internet Life's article on the Bible Code controversy, titled The Gates of Heaven and Hell. By now you've probably heard the story: apparently, mathematicians have been able to apply a numeric formula to the Bible that draws out secret messages predicting the future. The folks at Y! Life decided to take the matter a step further and dispatched a "skeptical mathematician to find out if Bill Gates appears" anywhere in the Old Testament. Fair enough. Intrigued by this idea, we hired our very own cryptographer (call him Dr. X) to see if Picks of the Week contained any hidden messages. We think you'll agree that the results are provocative and eye-opening. Here's what he found:
Everybody knows that you are what you eat, and ever since we discovered the USDA Nutrient Database, we have a much better sense of identity. Enter any food and the database will tell you all the minerals, vitamins, lipids, amino acids, and proximates it contains. So stop by if you want to track your intake of Vitamin B-6, Potassium, 6:0 caproic, or any one of many other nutrients. [Dr. X: This first one is simple. The key is the vitamins. B-12, according to reliable sources, is the most common winning move in "Battleship." Vitamin E refers to Ethel Merman.]
As anyone who has been following the balletic sport of boxing knows, Mike Tyson recently suffered a little, er, dietary fit in his fight with Evander Holyfield. If you're tired of all the obligatory puns and want some biting commentary instead, check out Joyce Carol Oates on Mike Tyson, part of the wonderfully rich, JCO-centric Celestial Timepiece. From Iron Mike's early title fight with Trevor Berbick to the eerie Holyfield incident, Oates turns her considerable powers of observation on her often inscrutable subject. It's a site where literature meets pugilism, and it's a knockout. [Dr. X: Take the words "Joyce Carol Oates Mike Tyson," rearrange them, and subtract the "insignificant" letters. You get the amazingly accurate: "Ear like take-out. Mike says Oy." Did anyone else just feel a shiver?]
It's perplexing that people should go looking for codes and mysteries at all, when there are so many questions right out in the open. Important questions. Burning questions, such as: "What is the meaning of PEZ", and "If Jumpin' Jack Flash is a gas gas gas, at what temperature would he become a solid?" Luckily these issues, too, are being addressed. Get the Straight Dope on any number of modern mysteries that, for some reason, were never answered in school. [Dr. X: The repetition of the word "gas" is the key. Rearranging the letters I find that "sagas sag." This is a warning not to rent War and Peace as a first-date movie.]
If you want the straight dope on misbehaving monarchs, then we suggest an audience with the aptly titled Royal Scandals, aka How Kings and Queens Make Quite a Mess of Things. Part of Discovery Online and written by Michael Farquhar, the site takes a look at some of the more--how shall we put it?--"dysfunctional" royal families. In Tawdry Sexual Escapades, it seems the lesson is something along the lines of, "Don't lose your head over love," while Exceedingly Bad Marriages taught us, among other things, that Edward II died as the result of an unfortunate incident with a red-hot poker. Great reading for lovelorn souls who want a little perspective on things. And Royal Scandals promises more, including a chapter titled "The Tragic and the Twisted," so be sure to visit again in the weeks to come. [Dr. X: The owner of the gray Datsun, license plate LVD576, your lights are on.]
We're not quite sure what to make of this next pick. The New York Subway Instruction Page is one of those sites that makes you wonder "Why is this on the Web?" The obvious answer is "Who cares? It's cool!" And surprising as it may sound, the site achieves its coolness by graphically animating a slew of public transit rules and regulations: don't play loud music, don't jump the turnstiles, don't ride on the roof of the subway car. These often hilarious animations star the "generic human figure" seen everywhere from restroom doors to roadside signs. We greatly enjoyed the instruction about not taking animals on the subway, but we were really moved by the illustration that accompanies the rule about annoying people. [Dr. X: "Generic Human Figure" is a thinly veiled anagram of "huge free manicuring," clearly a reference to New York's troubled cosmetology industry.]
The Mir Space Station has taken its lumps of late, but we're still rooting for the ole gal. That's why we checked in with NASA's Space Station Mir, the best place for status reports, pictures, diagrams, and other information on the project. In fact, we're betting that there's more Mir than meets the eye. Speaking of which, don't forget to look at the Naked-Eye Visibility Data page for the best times to spot Mir in your neighborhood. [Dr. X: Mir spelled backwards is "Rim," which, to the educated ear, rhymes with "Jim." Jim Carrey, of course, is "The Cable Guy," presaging the incident in which a space station cable was accidentally disconnected. This information has been forwarded to NASA.]
Since getting stuck is a way of life for us, we're always on the lookout for ways to loosen things up. No sooner had we resigned ourselves to another several hours of writer's block than we stumbled upon WD-40 on the Web. Brought to life by the guys who created Duct Tape on the Web, the site is chock full of useful information on everybody's favorite lubricant. From history to creative uses, the site makes it easy to get into the spirit of things. We immediately ran out and bought a case of WD-40 to lubricate our network connection. Now we can surf the Web twice as fast, the unfortunate side effect being that streaming audio sounds like a 33rpm record played at 78. [Dr. X: WD-40 here clearly means "Winsome Divorced 40-year-old seeks ultra-sexy editorial team."]
There you have it. Almost as much fun as frying a "mean computer" with a Skillet. So, are there really secret messages hidden within our words? We just don't know; we only have the above to go on. As for you--well, you'll just have to take your pick(s).
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