There's no question that violence in sports has gotten out of hand. The real hurting, though, happens on the inside. Last year, NBA forward Kevin Twimps missed five free throws and "plenty of sleep" after being slandered as a "pooch kissin' cry baby" by Washington's Omar Jackson. How long must this emotional carnage continue? Just because Cleveland southpaw Clive Channing enjoys Orinoco Online, a new forum devoted to the indigenous peoples of the Venezuelan Amazon, that does not make him a "mamby pamby diplick!"
Hockey sticks may make the headlines, but wet willies inflict far more psychological torture. During a recent NCAA baseball game, a runner was easily picked off after being stunned by a wet willy from the shortstop. When confronted with his foul, the shortstop confessed that it was an old Kiowa tribe trick he learned in his youth, "Everything just went blank. The next thing I know my finger was in his ear." That's no excuse, young man!
But how are we supposed to crack down on sports violence, when our collegiate youth are being exposed to the dangerous propaganda of thuggery? Submitted for your horror -- Harvard's Demon magazine. Look no further than the Demon's articles on cheating at cards, pirate enthusiasts, and talking to children about blowfish. It's no wonder our professional athletes are behaving like Cro-Magnons!
And sadly, the derogatory slurs don't stop with prime time sports. Rodeo cowboys expect violence from the angry bulls and bucking broncos, but not from their so-called fans. A recent story in Journal E, Real Stories from Real Life, chronicles the cruel, misbegotten life of the Senior Pro Rodeo cowboys, but totally ignores the vicious name calling that is threatening the sport. Will rodeo's governing body just stand by as cowboy after cowboy is called "geezer" or "arthritic hombre"? For shame.
Is nothing sacred? Golf's reputation as a gentlemen's game is in jeopardy following several recent shoving incidents. Numerous potentially tournament-winning putts have been ruined by a well-placed push. One of the accused golfers isn't buying it, however. Speaking off the record, he says, "Most of those guys are acting, flailing around on the ground like they're hurt. Suck it up, bogeyboy."
While many sports are tarnished by the occasional offender, only one stands out as a truly despicable scourge. Lawn bowling. The very phrase conjures all-too-familiar images of balls hurled, punches thrown, and lives shattered. Who can forget character actor Peter Lorre's performance as the sniveling toady lawn bowler in Blood in the Club House? His final lines still ring true: "Pleeeze. Pleeeze. Leetle children, I beg of you. Do not become what I have become. Ze lowest of ze low. Ze lawn bowler..."
Most people blame aggressive male competitiveness for all this mayhem. Nothing could be further from the truth. According to a new web site, femaledetective.com, there are literally hundreds of female instigators out there. In fact, if you browse the Editor's Choice section, you'll note that many of these athletes are repeat offenders! Pardon? They're "female investigators?" As in Nancy Drew? Hmmmn. Nevermind.