Dear Regis Gifford,
A very warm hello from the National Academy of Engineering to you, your lovely wife Kathie Lee, and your dog Cody. But enough pleasantries, Mr. Gifford. We are currently compiling a list of the Greatest Engineering Achievements of the Twentieth Century. Along with the telephone, the airplane, and fiber optics, we would like to include your hair. Truly, your hair is a stunning achievement in structural mechanics. Please allow us to grant it the honor it so richly deserves.
Respectfully,
Herman Mencklewitz, PhD.
Malcolm Gladwell here. New Yorker magazine. I'm doing an article for an upcoming issue, called "The Annals of Inexplicable Celebrity." I'm hoping you would be willing to be interviewed. Here are some sample questions: Do you sometimes pinch yourself to make sure you're not dreaming? What do your friends and relatives think of your completely inexplicable rise to wealth and fame? (FYI, Jerry Springer is already a confirmed "yes," and Bryant Gumbel is very close to committing ...)
With fingers crossed,
M.G.
We're developing an exciting new prime-time game show, tentatively titled Who Wants to be President? The show will pose questions to random passersby, giving them the opportunity to answer biting questions about their pasts, their ethics, and their marijuana inhalation policies. The finals will pit six potential presidents against each other. The first candidate to correctly answer all ten questions becomes president of a third-world banana republic, and, if he or she chooses, a tyrant and oppressor. Would you be interested in hosting this sure-fire winner?
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
The Producers
My name is Michael Chabon, and I'm the author of three novels, including "Wonder Boys," which was recently released as a Curtis Hanson film. I'm about to start my next novel, and I'm having difficulty coming up with an opening line. Here's my best effort so far: "Lieutenant Chet Halstrom felt the atomic detonation before he heard it; a rumbling sensation that spread from his bullet-scarred gut to the very tippy tips of his wee pinkie toes." What do you think? Too much detail?
Fondly,
Michael Chabon
I'm sorry to hear about your break up with Kathie Lee. If it's any consolation, I never liked her anyway. Ever since the whole sweat shop flap, she's seemed really lame and uncaring and stuff. One of the girls in my homeroom wrote me a letter and said you guys weren't meant to get married on television anyway. I think you're better off without her. Hang in there, Reg.
p.s. Call me crazy, but I think you would make a great partner for Don Johnson on Nash Bridges.
K.I.T,
Jennifer
Big up from da West End Massive! Wicked respect for you and your wicked telly show where da yanks be answerin' da questions! I be Ali G, and I be doing a bangin' show on Channel 4 here in Britain. Every day I talk with vicars, members of parliament, military generals, and government big wigs to hash out da issues of da day. We're all about increasing da peace and fightin' da racialism and relaxin' wit de sensemleia. So give us a shout, Regis. Respect!
West Side!,
Ali G
On a recent journey into the Amazon I was the victim or a savage jaguar attack. The blood-thirsty animal went straight for my jugular and attacked for several horrifying minutes. I suffered lacerations all over my body and broke several bones, however, the jaguar retreated when I played dead. Incapacitated and near my demise, I was soon set upon by an army of voracious red ants. As I lay on the jungle floor waiting to die, I had a thought: instead of saying, "Is that your final answer?" how about, "Is that your final answer, Cap'n?" I'll be looking for it.
Sincerely,
Jeff