This year, an innovative new system may help curb the disappointment fans feel when their favorite player goes down to injury. Thanks to a test program from Genetic Savings and Clone, disabled players will be replaced with exact genetic copies within twenty-four hours. Say Pedro Martinez tears up his elbow. Is the season over? No sir! Just order up a Pedro2 and the rotation doesn't even skip a beat. The best part: Since Pedro2 is a rookie, he can be paid the league minimum, thus offsetting the high cost of "rapid clone deployment."
Last year's futuristic theme uniforms were a bust, so Major League Baseball is taking a long, hard look at its promotional efforts, hoping to shed the "gimmick" label and bring a touch of class back to the ballpark. According to sources at Noir Alley, this year's special uniforms will offer fashion from the forties and fifties -- trenchcoats, fedoras, and cheap suits. Infielders will be allowed to carry concealed weapons (with P.I. license), and all umpires will be addressed as "Hey, Mack."
Even more exciting, the marketers in Milwaukee are going one step further. Just wait until the Brewers take the field with wrist braces, smooth-soled three-tone shoes, and cursive-embroidered first names on the breast pockets of their uniforms. Yes, that's right, it's bowling night! Make sure you stick around for the seventh inning "beer frame" -- three consecutive strikes and the batter buys everyone in the park a cold one. Add in the aforementioned film noir concept and you've got an unstoppable recipe for record-breaking attendance.
In Los Angeles, they're feeling the acquisition of superstar Shawn Green, baseball's premier Jewish player, on the field and off. At Green's behest, the Dodgers are have hired several Jewish women from the upper Midwest to prepare pregame meals of brisket, matzo ball soup, and latkes. In an attempt to recoup the costs of hiring nine full-time cooks, once the game starts, the women will take turns as third-base coach.
With all the new faces on the Cincinnati Reds, manager Jack McKeon is worried about group chemistry. To accelerate team bonding, the coach has asked each player to write a personal ad outlining his likes and dislikes, which McKeon will then use to determine room assignments. To avoid awkward situations, the manager suggests his players check out Way Too Personal, a web site that examines real personal ads, from the pathetic to the successful to the risque.
Recently, several organizations took unusual steps to improve the hand-eye coordination of their top prospects. Rather than sending them to the winter league in Mexico to hone their skills, the prospects were shipped off to Buenos Aires to study under expert ship-in-a-bottle makers. Cross-training drills included using aspirin as balls, toothpicks for batting practice, and teeny-weeny mittens for gloves.
With new ballparks sprouting up like weeds, teams are going to great lengths to make their stadiums stand out from the crowd. Several organizations have even approached the The Cultivated Gardener, a nationally syndicated radio show, to help them beautify their grounds. The results are dramatic: the Arizona Diamondbacks have installed a solar-powered fountain and birdbath adjacent to the on-deck circle; the Baltimore Orioles will have colorful Zinnias bordering the foul lines; and the Colorado Rockies are planting patches of fragrant herbs in the outfield. The grand old game never smelled sweeter.