| 1. Al Gore | 5. Alan Keyes | |
| 2. George W. Bush | 6. Gary Bauer | |
| 3. John McCain | 7. Bill Bradley | |
| 4. Steve Forbes |
a. German Shepherd
A no-frills breed that likes Kibbles 'n' Bits, spiked collars, and sniffing out drugs at the Texas/Mexico border, the German Shepherd works hard to make up for a lack of intelligence and poor testing skills. This hearty breed finds great pleasure in the simple things, and likes to be given nicknames like "Cap'n" or "Sonny." Neither pretentious nor superficial, this animal is very satisfied with its low-maintenance lifestyle. Easy to be around, loyal, and muscular, the German Shepherd looks great in a pair of snug Wranglers.
b. Bernese Mountain Dog
Large, self-confident, and unable to dance, the Bernese Mountain Dog was bred in the Alps to assist shepherds with daily chores. Its alertness makes it a good environmental watchdog, while its friendly disposition makes it a playful running mate. Behind the handsome tri-colored mane lurks the dynamic heart of a champion -- Bernese Mountain Dogs have been known to rescue close Senate votes and one even invented the Internet! Whether you find them out in the field barking at rivals, or behind a desk begging for campaign contributions, the Bernese Mountain Dog is a formidable political presence.
c. Miniature Schnauzer
Somewhat nervous and reluctant to stay in one place for too long, the Miniature Schnauzer's modest size and shrill, piercing bark make it very popular with English grandmothers and CPAs. Its affinity for flapjacks is well-known. Stronger than a large ferret, this breed is often a popular target of rock-throwing children. Somewhat intelligent, its tongue will be a-wagging when it gets its paws on the latest John Grisham legal thriller. In fact, several Miniature Schnauzers have praised Evolution of Alphabets, a fascinating look at the way languages develop over time. They especially like the way the letters trickle down the screen.
d. American Pit Bull Terrier
Strong, determined, and unwilling to put up with mindless jibber-jabber, the American Pit Bull Terrier is a loyal companion and tenacious fighter. Originally bred for air-to-air combat, most of these dogs are now quite tame unless provoked. While Pit Bull attacks are brutal, they are much fewer and far between than Hollywood portrays. That's not to say front-runners shouldn't be cautious around this breed. Ignore them and they will bite you (especially in New Hampshire).
e. Saint Bernard
The Saint Bernard is a very large, slow animal that enjoys chewing on its tail. It often carries a small wooden container of alcohol around its neck, although it sometimes contains coffee, the favorite drink of Mark Prince, the friendly proprietor of the java portal CoffeeKid. The site features loads of recipes, roasting tips, and examines the problem of full-blown caffeine addiction, a condition that the conservative Saint Bernard finds abhorrent.
f. Wirehaired Pointing Griffon
Possibly the world's most awkward animal, the Wirehaired Pointing Griffon whimpers in direct sunlight, barks at stationary objects, and eats sand. Noted behavioral scientist Richard Tandy has few answers, "I don't get it. This is the weirdest pooch I've ever seen. It's like an alien dog. By the by, have you seen the PBS site Homecoming? A very lucid examination of African American farmers in the South. Thought-provoking stuff. But man, that dog is nuts." This breed can often be found running around in very tight circles.
g. Great Dane
The enormous size of the Great Dane frightens many at first sight, but the breed is more docile than dangerous. The Adonis of all canines, the breed draws a crowd of instant fans in public, many of whom are looking for autographs to sell on Ebay. Intelligence and loyalty does not hurt the breed's popularity; constant slobbering does. The Great Dane has been accused by other breeds of formulating fictionalized stories to sensationalize its sometimes boring life. Classy and well-mannered, the Great Dane is as comfortable chasing a basketball as it is at the foot of its master's favorite easy chair.