Reverse Tornado
The rarest of all weather phenomena, a reverse tornado swept through central Kansas last week, neatly re-arranging hundreds of junkyards, trailer parks, and landfills. Wichita resident Jason Beezley witnessed the vicious attack of weatherborne anal-retentiveness: "I was clicking around on Regeneration TV, a cool zine devoted to underground media culture, when this big gust of wind came in and cleaned up my room. Totally bizarre." The reverse tornado left dozens of towns in a spotless, immaculate state. Locals estimate that it will take years to recover from the damage.
Data Fog
Census workers in western Minnesota were lost for six days and feared dead when they were caught in a freak outbreak of data fog. "We had a healthy supply of demographic tables and pie charts," explained Sara Peterson after returning to safety, "but nothing could cut through the dense wall of per-capita income figures." The terrified census-takers huddled around a makeshift campfire for several days until they were rescued by a traveling Venn Diagram salesman.
Barry White Thunder
A mysterious weather phenomenon was witnessed last week by a camper in the Mojave Desert. According to reports, it happened when he cracked open a bottle of Jim Beam and began writing in his journal, which was modeled after Notes from the Road, an exceptional online travelogue. Apparently, the campground was enveloped and drenched by a deep, soulful thunderstorm. "It's changed my life," the camper said, "when you hear Barry White's low growl coming from the heavens, you know it's time to put down the bottle and pick up the love."
Fake Snow Storm
Parts of Oregon were struck last Tuesday by a massive fake snow storm, leaving several cities buried in tons of synthetic snow-globe glitter. "What are we going to do?" moaned Tacoma resident Beth Disraeli, "At least real snow melts. These are just non-biodegradeable plastic flakes!" Luckily, scientists at the International Chindogu Society, a Japanese think-tank devoted to creative inventions, are hard at work on the problem. They plan to install vast network of electric fans that will transform the area into a permanent winter wonderland.
Dust Drifts
Late last December, residents of Pine Flats, Arkansas, noticed that small piles of dust were accumulating along streets throughout the area. After a team of National Weather Service investigators was called in to research the anomaly, it was determined that the excessive levels of wood pulp were simply caused by Norm Hicks, a local man who had received a circular saw for Christmas and was using the DIY web site to learn how to construct dozens of do-it-yourself projects. Eventually, Hicks bought a Dirt Devil and the case was quietly closed.
Collectible Cartoon Hail
Margaret and Jerry Hepp were just about to leave on a vacation to South America when they heard a violent crash. After observing their Schnauzer sniffing a large, rectangular object in the front yard, the couple discovered that their lawn was strewn with 40-pound pieces of ice shaped exactly like Pez candy dispensers. Eventually, horror turned to excitement as the Hepps entered into a lucrative agreement with the Pez corporation to open a roadside snack bar and gift shop.
La Nina Loca
Coming on the heels of El Nino, La Nina Loca brings high tides, strong winds, unseasonably warm temperatures, and a disasterous flood of bargain-priced Latin pop-music CDs. Determined to intervene, scientists have embarked on a death-defying Voyage to the Deep. Using small submarines to explore the ocean floor, researchers hope to place a powerful sound-dampening device in Mexico's Sea of Cortez. The expedition has already yielded a fascinating array of information, from dive logs to deep-sea videos. However, until the mission is complete, there is still an 80% chance of bon-bon shaking.