Okay, you're beginning to panic. Stop! Don't let the impending global apocalypse get you down. It's very important to stay upbeat. Let's face it, it's easier to weasel your way into your neighbor's bomb shelter if you're grinning than if you're shuffling around with a glum face. Here's a handy tip: Bookmark the FUN PAGE and visit it regularly until your power fails. Frowns are not Y2K compliant!
Surveys show that most people are going to squirrel away a little extra spending cash for Y2Doomsday. The Treasury Department printed an extra $50 billion to meet the demand. What people don't realize is that Microsoft plans on raising the retail price of Windows 2000 to (you guessed it) $50 billion. Cash only. We guess it had to happen -- Bill Gates' house is actually heated by two giant cash-burning furnaces, and those Seattle winters can get downright nasty. Here's our plan: Use Monopoly money instead. It's cheap, plentiful, comes in all those cool colors, and best of all, no pesky ATM fees!
More free advice: Don't forget the arts! Most people only pack their bunker with food, water, and blankets. We must keep the arts alive in the coming Age of Darkness! Here's a checklist of must-haves: Marcel Proust's Remembrance of Things Past, Rodin's The Thinker, one of the Three Tenors, and a selection of visual and sound poetry from UbuWeb. The thought-provoking poetry will keep your mind engaged. The tenor can help tidy up. The statue will make a fine blast shield. And the 3,000-page novel can burn for hours, keeping the entire bunker toasty warm!
Considering you only have a few weeks left, why not experience all the wonders our great nation has to offer? Hit the road, Jack -- if you leave right now, you can take this country down in a couple of weeks. You'll have to decide on a route, and we're not talking directional; we're talking philosophical. If you want to stop at every state capital and national park, go right ahead. But if you're looking for a little direction on how to get side-tracked, check out Enlightenment with a Vengeance -- Scott Christensen's "delusions of grandeur" provide quite a bit of insight.
Problem: You've waited until the middle of December to prepare for what promises to be the most catastrophic event the world has ever seen. Solution: Stock up on Japanese swords. Besides being an excellent weapon when all heck breaks out, you can use the swords to slice paper-thin pieces of beef for some tasty jerky, the new millennium meat of choice. And if the whole apocalypse thing turns out to be a non-event (yeah right), you can slip into a black robe and transform yourself into a bad-ass samurai warrior.
Don't forget to decorate with flowers. Or better yet, with Amaryllis. Does your survival hole strike you as a bit cold and moldy? Is the munitions dump missing that certain je ne sais quoi? An autumn-flowering South African bulbous herb widely known for its crimson umbellate flowers, Amaryllis Belladonna helps brighten even the gloomiest of bomb shelters, lean-to's, or secluded log cabins. If you're going to say sayonara to the industrialized nation state, why not say it with flowers?
Lastly, have we mentioned that you should probably bet your entire lifesavings on roulette? It's easier than you might think. Grab a player's suite at Circus Circus, score yourself a free icy Corona, sidle up to the felt, and slap it all down on 32 Red. If you lose, no biggie (it's a moot point), and if you win, it's jalapeno popper platters all round. While you're at it, brush up on your Las Vegas Strip History by exploring a detailed timeline devoted to the First City of Sin. Well, maybe it's not the first, but it's certainly the glitteriest. Is that a word? Who cares, it's Y2K!