PolishSausage.Com George Steinbrenner
Full of bombast, hubris, and hot air, the George Steinbrenner balloon debuts this year as the largest, most expensive balloon ever. Sponsored by PolishSausage.com, the Steinbrenner balloon will be wrangled by several Yankee players, including Darryl Strawberry and Chili Davis. Although the balloon is expected to be wildly popular, the city is taking precautions to combat any potential problems. At quarter-mile intervals, the city is deploying municipal workers to hand out free mini-sausage-and-cheese samplers in hopes of quelling any rowdy baseball hecklers.
Edward Hopper's Nighthawks
The lonesome characters from Edward Hopper's famous 1942 painting will be wowing the crowds in Manhattan as giant four-story-tall balloons. Just picture those icons of alienation and despair bobbing down Broadway: the weary soda jerk, the bleak salesman, the ashen young man and his tired, strawberry-blonde date. Suspended above the fray, floating alone in their own personal nightmares, the Nighthawks will give New Yorkers something to cry about.
Nick Carter, Gun For Hire
That winning smile, those dusty chaps, the silver six-shooter--it must be Nick Carter. Don't call it a comeback, because he's been here for years. This classic character from 19th century Dime Novels will be doing the Gotham balloon boogie. From western shoot'em ups to racy bodice rippers, dime novels were all the rage a hundred years ago. Then came those accursed newfangled radio sets. But Nick Carter's back, and he's here to stay.
Girls-On-Wax Parachute Pants
Who doesn't love a giant-sized pair of parachute pants? Hipsters just can't get enough of the jaunty trouser with dozens of zippers. The lights of Broadway will sparkle when the Girls-On-Wax Parachute Pants strut and dance along the parade route. Leanne, Little T, and Renee -- the Girls on Wax -- will mix and scratch the beats while the giant pair of pants boogies down the Great White Way. When asked for comment, Little T said, "That purple dinosaur better watch his backside because we going to be kickin' it."
Eddie The Sketchy Etch-A-Sketch
The youngsters will stare quizzically and the parents will scream in horror when they see Ol' Eddie the Sketchy Etch-A-Sketch. Why is Eddie so darn sketchy? Because every five minutes a new dirty doodle shows up on Eddie's belly. Is that a balloon animal? Why is that man standing on his head? Are those elves wrestling? Uh oh! It's just another naughty drawing from Sketchy Eddie. Quick, kids, look at the big multicolored psychedelic schoolbus!
Big Multicolored Psychedelic Schoolbus
Festooned with a bright rainbow and a host of quaint, counterculture icons, this new balloon is sponsored by the good folks at Buddha Records. Using the extraordinary Brittanica.com "happening" Head Sounds: Psychedelic Rock as research for their parade promotion, the record company toyed with dozens of ideas, including a "fully funk-shunning Mutha-ship" (inspired by Parliament Funkadelic) and huge inflated farm animals (a la Pink Floyd). In the end, the schoolbus won out over Buddha's other top choice, an eerie life-size replica of Captain Beefheart.
Pokemon!
The folks at PBS wanted to make a bold move to promote Life Beyond Earth, a film that asks the age-old question: "Are we alone in the universe?" The original plans were to sponsor a 3-mile-long flaming trapezoid, which would serve as a beacon to extraterrestrial cultures and a fun reminder of the TV show. Unfortunately, local fire officials put the kibosh on the pyrotechnics and the network was forced to go with 58-foot likeness of Pikachu, the cuddly mascot for the world of Pokemon. Unveiling the new float, PBS released a statement calling the scrappy yellow bugger "a plausible vision of non-terrestrial intelligence" and the consumer frenzy surrounding Pokemon "a precursor to the hellish chaos that will accompany the inevitable alien invasion."