Q: Jakarta is the capital of what nation?
A: Well, that's a very good question. A relevant question. An important one. Questions like that make me feel proud of the intelligent, inquisitive nature of our citizens. Whether you're a carpenter or a plumber, you should never be afraid to ask questions. That reminds me of a great underground film I recently saw about a boy who could see dead people, and how Bruce Willis was curious about that. I doubt that they can see dead people in Jakarta!
Q: Can you name the leader of Cuba?
A: Don't insult my intelligence, son. I didn't go to college for five years just to have some snot-nosed Alex Trebek make a monkey of me. What I will say is that I wholeheartedly support the policy of banning Cuban exports. Back in the '40s and '50s, you used to see ads in Harper's Bazaar and Cosmo for all sorts of Cuban gew-gaws and gimcracks. Havana Hand Lotion. Guantanamo Bay Sock Garters. That was a dark time in America's history. I don't think we want to repeat it.
Q: We recently witnessed the 50th anniversary of the People's Republic of China. What year was the People's Republic of China established?
A: I'm 54, so let me figure this out. Let's see, I guess that would make China four years old. Wait, that can't be right, can it? This is one of those tough word problems they put on tests to stump folks. I've got it -- the People's Republic of China was established in 1954. Can't believe I still know my multiplication tables. Hey, you ever play with one of those Chinese Finger Traps? I mean, do you pull or push to get out of that thing?
Q: Where's Canada?
A: Up. Right? That way. [Points.] You know, yonder. I'm right, aren't I? I'm pretty sure because I watch a lot of professional hockey on motel TV and some of those teams are from Canada, like the Canucks. Of course, as President, I wouldn't really need to know how to get to Canada. The President's got advisers and travel helpers and such. "Leave the driving to us" sort of thing. So, it's all academic. It's a non-issue.
Q: What is NATO?
A: Well, that sounds like something straight out of a Star Wars movie. Not many people liked the latest one, but I thought Jar Jar Binks was a hoot. You see those ears? Hey, now that you mention it, I do believe that alien joker was from NATO. Too bad Harrison Ford wasn't in the movie. You know, he was in a movie where he played the President riding on Air Force One. I can't remember the name of the film, but it sure was suspenseful.
Q: Can you name five countries that start with the letter "C"?
A: Chile, China, Chad ... Colombia ... and Colorado. Wait, that last one's not right. Dang. There are lots of countries out there, but not many of them begin with the letter "C"! My wife's name begins with the letter "C" though. Well, it doesn't actually, but she's crazy about being the First Lady. Women are better at remembering stuff like this than men. The photographer Annie Leibowitz celebrates women of all make and manner in her latest exhibit. There'll be lots of women in my cabinet. I think women are great.
Q: How tall are you?
A: So let me see if I understand: I'm supposed to go around measuring myself with a yardstick? Keeping strict records of my height, hair color, and phone number? I don't know how much free time you have on your hands, but the presidential candidate sitting in front of you is one busy hombre. I'm bouncing from fundraisers to photo ops to football games and right back to fundraisers again. Let me tell you this: I'm bigger than a Norwegian Rat, and pound-for-pound, I'm twice as ornery.