Timepieces: Handy Helpers or Mind-Enslaving Totems?
Watch out, parents! Do your youngsters own more than one watch? Are they overly concerned with being on time? Have they shown an increased interest in purchasing an astrolabe? If so, they may be the victims of a sickening new fad. If you have a strong stomach, go ahead and visit the blasphemous Clockworks site, where you'll learn the revolting details of this horrible new time-keeping movement.
Computers: Modern Boon or Devil's Instrument?
In 1966, Dr. Anton LeVay introduced the Church of Satan. Exactly five years later, Intel introduced the world's first microprocessor. Coincidence? We think not. How Microprocessors Work, an ostensibly educational exhibit concerning computer technology, is in fact a proselytizing tool of Beelzebub. The new Pentium "Speed Demon" chip, running at 666 Mhz? Intel CEO Andrew "Damien" Grove? Need we say more? In short, "How Microprocessors Work" may very well turn your son or daughter into a worshipper of the Dark Prince. Shoot your computer now.
Public Broadcasting Service: Edifying or Petrifying?
Our suspicions are confirmed -- PBS is a godless cabal of rank-and-file communists. Submitted for your disgust: The Red Files, a heathen celebration of the secret machinations of the Evil Empire. Featuring lost KGB files, notes on the moon race, and large portraits of Yuri Andropov, this publicly funded atrocity may very well turn your son or daughter into a pinko. No doubt the card-carrying, non-God-fearing reds at PBS are cackling with glee at their latest publicity stunt. Ye Gods!
Black & White: Artful Simplicity or Socialist Master Plan?
First, pinko Hollyweird types complained about colorizing old movies. Next, short, bespectacled liberals like Steven Spielberg and Woody Allen actually filmed modern movies in black and white. Now, thanks to the National Gallery of Art and YOUR TAX DOLLARS, we have to endure a horrifyingly monochromatic overview of the life and work of photographer Alfred Stieglitz. Never mind that he consorted with noted "free spirit" Georgia O'Keefe. Just look at his starkly lurid photographs of the New York City landscape! The devil surely walks among us.
British Art: Inspiring Images or Revolting Smut?
Look who's hosting a site full of abhorrent modern art -- it's none other than the cross-dressing deviant David Bowie. The British art community -- i.e., depraved, drug-addled pornographers -- is, once again, peddling its smut to innocent Americans. Take the lewd works in SENSATION, "art" drawn from a collection owned by Charles Saatchi . No, wait, look away! Ground control to Major Pinko: love it or leave it!
Masks: Innocent Playthings or Perverted Toys?
Warning: Stanley Kubrick's orgiastic Eyes Wide Shut will be descending on your local video store in the coming months. We advise you set up a picket line well before they begin to peddle this vile little passion play. Sadly, the secret masquerade society portrayed in Kubrick's twisted opus is nothing new. Look no further than Yupik Masks for damning evidence of scandalous ritual chicanery. And don't let the beauty of these artifacts deceive you; there are sinful heathens behind those flimsy disguises!
Hollywood: Tinsel Town or Den of Thieves?
Have you ever laughed at Hugh Grant's bumbling antics? Do you cheer when a dashing Keanu Reeves jumps out of a plane to catch the bad guys? Shame! Shame! These deranged vagrants belong one place -- behind bars! And it's not at all surprising to find their famous mugshots alongside some of the century's most detestable serial murderers. Pray for their salvation! Sesame Street's Bert and serial killer Jeffery Dahmer are cut from the same corrupt cloth!