Really Big Jar of Peanuts
Inspired by Whalelink Orca F.M. and the classic Jar of Peanuts Filled with Spring-Loaded Snakes, the Really Big Jar of Peanuts is loaded with live, spring-loaded killer whales. Our crack staff of novelty designers really outdid themselves on this one! When your unwitting victims hoist open the lid of the jar, the menacing screeches of the soaring black-and-white orcas will send them scampering for cover! [Warning: The Really Big Jar of Peanuts should not be used in multi-story buildings as structural damage may occur.]
The Fake-Your-Own-Death Kit
Have your coworkers laughing till they cry! Play the ultimate prank on your humorless boss! Just leave the Acme Death Certificate lying around your cubicle, enter your name into the Social Security Death Index, then hide in the utility closet and wait for the hilarity to ensue! Act now and we'll include an EZ-Stiff Portable Magnetized Chalk Outline at no extra cost! You'll never be "late" for work again.
Haitian Voodoo Whoopee Cushion
In 1905, a 26-year-old patent clerk named Albert Einstein completed the special theory of relativity, which redefined the mathematical and physical conception of space and time. In 1932, a Haitian voodoo priest discovered that he could make a funny noise with an inflated goat lung. In 1999, a web design firm named DNA Productions broadcast 30 interactive interpretations of dreams, as inspired by Alan Lightman in his international bestseller, "Einstein's Dreams." Last Tuesday, Alan Lightman suffered a sharp pain in his tummy. What do these events have in common? Only the Haitian Voodoo Whoopee Cushion knows....
General Tso's Rubber Chicken
The traditional rubber chicken has long out-sold all other novelty items (with the lone exception of fake vomit). But that may change with the release of our special new line of rubber chickens, celebrating the upcoming 50th anniversary of the founding of the People's Republic of China. Modeled after the smoked chickens found hanging in the windows of traditional Chinese restaurants, General Tso's Rubber Chicken features space-age scratch-n-sniff technology. Scratch for a tangy burst of hot pepper, sniff for rich peanutty goodness! Please note: This novelty contains MSG (maximum strength gaggitude).
Real Dead Flies
The best way to get a laugh is to reinvigorate an old joke like "the fake dead fly in the ice cube" by taking it to the next level. That's where Real Dead Flies come in. Just add 'em to your ice tray, pop 'em in the freezer, and four hours later you've got a dynamite sight gag and a great conversation starter. Of course, if you like that whopper, there's plenty more laid out step by step on eHow. This hilarious instructional site includes tutorials on everything from "How to Burp a Baby" and "How to Survive an Encounter with a Bear" to the forthcoming "How to Strategically Place Fake Dog Poo."
The Two-Headed "Dick" Nickel (aka The Dickel)
Unlike traditional two-headed nickels, which feature matching profiles of Thomas Jefferson, the Dickel sports a portrait of Dick York on one side and Dick Sargeant on the other (both were stars of the long-running sitcom Bewitched). Interestingly, much in the same way the replacement of Dick York was never mentioned on the show, the makers of the Dick Nickel have never actually explained how this coin is meant to be used. Despite this seeming lack of comedic utility, Dickels are good, clean fun for the whole family. Just remember: Don't take any wooden Dickels!
The Opal Whitely Snow Globe
After receiving several concerned letters, we came to the conclusion that the Dribble Gas Tank wasn't such a good idea. What can we say? We goofed. We're really sorry -- especially to Frank Jackson's family in Canton, Ohio. But we want to make things right. That's why everyone who ordered the Dribble Gas Tank will receive a free Opal Whitely Snow Globe, which contains an eency-beency version of the nineteenth-century author's lost book, "The Fairyland Around Us," excerpts from her childhood diary, historical photographs, and "pictures of splendid natural things of earth and of the great cosmic sea." It's intriguing, educational, and our lawyers tell us it's definitely non-flammable!