April 3, 1999
To: Management
From: The Picks Staff
Hi. Hope you don't mind us asking, but is it possible to get a new monitor down here? It's not that our trusty monochrome buddy isn't doing the job, but some of the web sites probably look pretty darn cool in color. Take Devi, for example, from the Smithsonian Institution's Sackler Gallery. The site offers an in-depth look at the many forms of India's "Great Goddess." Don't get us wrong--we enjoyed the dozens of beautiful graphics in black and white. We just thought that, you know, color might help us get the whole picture. No biggie! Let us know. Thanks.
April 5, 1999
To: The Picks Staff
From: Management
Food for thought, kids. Food for thought ... Speaking of which, could you maybe plug the shiny new McDonald's Trip Planner into the next installment of your Whatchamacallits of the Week? No need for a color monitor to appreciate this one. Just enter a starting point and destination and the site shows directions to all the Mickey D's along your route. They also list the restaurants that have drive-through windows and playlands for the kids. Very cool! Here's the color scheme: The arches are gold, the clown has red hair, and Mayor McCheese likes purple suits. That's all you really need to know. Keep up the good work!
April 12, 1999
To: Management
From: The Picks Staff
We are writing to request a change in the choice of paper color used in company copiers. We know that most jail cells are painted pink to calm the inmates. In addition, a recent visit to the Women of the West Museum found not only an interesting exhibit exploring the role of women in the development of the American West but tranquil restrooms painted a rosy hue. Sometimes staring at our black-and-white screen makes us a bit agitated, and we're thinking that reading memos and reports printed on pink paper will help us take it down a level.
p.s. We really like the day-old donuts you leave at our door.
April 15, 1999
To: The Picks Staff
From: Management
Sounds like you need a little time off. You're obviously working extremely hard at whatever it is that you people do. Why not check out the peace and quiet of Mobile, Alabama? To learn a little about the town, take a look at It Came From the Porch, a site exploring the lives of several Mobile citizens. When you're down there, grab a lemonade and some hush puppies at one of the various diners, dives or dumps. Oh yeah, about the pink paper. Well, there are several rolls of some sort of pinkish substance out on the loading dock--what's ours is yours.
April 24, 1999
To: Management
From: The Picks Staff
Is asbestos still considered a hazardous substance? The large clumps of pinkish fiber you gave us appear to be made of asbestos. We didn't really think anything of it until we noticed a little white sticker that reads "CAUTION! ASBESTOS! BEWARE! AIYEEE!" Reminds us of this creepy story we read in Impossible Object, a brain-altering fiction zine from Brown University. So anyway, what's the deal with asbestos? Is this anything to lose sleep over?
April 26, 1999
To: The Picks Staff
From: Management
Team - we checked with the Marketing Department regarding the asbestos thing and the verdict is in: you're all clear. Turns out asbestos is only carcinogenic if eaten in large quantities. On another subject, do you guys know anything about art or artists or painting or anything like that? We've been browsing Hans Namuth: Portraits, a photo gallery featuring Jackson Pollock, Willem De Kooning, and Randy Warhol. Any of those names ring a bell? The advertising team thinks this could be big. Keep your head up. Over and out.
April 28, 1999
To: Management
From: The Picks Staff
Would it be possible to get some water? Water is essential to human life, and we haven't had any in nine days. We've also noticed that you welded our doors shut, cut our power, and drastically reduced our oxygen supply. Yikes! Are you trying to tell us something? Fortunately, we've picked up a few survival tips at Battlefield: Vietnam, the new multimedia retrospective from PBS Online. Still, some water would be refreshing. What do you say?
May 3, 1999
To: The Picks Staff
From: Management
We are sooo sorry about the plumbing problems. We did a little experiment up here and we needed all the water we could find. It's actually kind of a chuckle. We were reading Posted Aboard R.M.S. Titanic, about sea-going postal workers, particularly those who lost their lives in the 1912 disaster. This got us to wondering: What happened to the tons of mail that went down with the ship? To find out, we dumped all the corporate correspondence we could find into empty cubicles and flooded the entire 15th floor. Hot damn, that was something to see! Anyhoo, we're sending down five plastic buckets so you can hustle on up here and help yourself to all the agua you can carry. Anchors aweigh!
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