Public Loitering - Appleby Park, 4/19/58 3:08 PM
Deputy Barney Fife issued a public loitering notice to suspect "Opie," a white male approximately four feet tall. Suspect was observed hogging the swing set, putting frogs down girls' dresses, and burning ants with a magnifying glass. Suspect loudly proclaimed, "Do you know who I am? Do you know what kind of connections I have in this town? I'll bury you, Fife!" before bursting into tears.
Drunk and Disorderly Conduct - Floyd's Barber Shop, 4/20/58 9:37 AM
Plaintiff Otis Campbell entered the Mayberry Police Station early Tuesday A.M. complaining of a severely asymmetrical haircut as a result of "that no-good Floyd Lawson being on the sauce again." Plaintiff's haircut was duly noted. Sheriff Andy Taylor entered the barbershop, finding proprietor Lawson slumped in his chair nursing a jar of moonshine. Suspect was arrested and submitted to the drunk tank.
Public Cursing - County Courthouse, 4/21/58 1:35 PM
Suspect Eleanor Donahue was detained by Deputy Fife for employing particularly mean-spirited language. Suspect called Deputy Fife a "Lactarius camphoratus" and a "Sanicula tuberosa," which Deputy Fife inferred as highfalutin terms of slander. Suspect claims that she was merely identifying the flowers that she'd seen at a Plants and Flowers "web site." Suspect was admitted to Pendleton Hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
Undue Hollerin' and Yellin' - Taylor Residence, 4/22/58 12:30 PM
Suspect Aunt Bee, 64, of 332 Maple St., was arrested on charges of aggravated hollerin' and misdemeanor yellin'. Under interrogation, suspect claimed, "I was just practicing for the National Hollerin' Contest. How am I going to explain this to the girls in the latch-key rug club? Oh, fiddlesticks." Suspect Bee was later release on bail of $4.36.
Robbery (!) - Town Square, 4/23/58 7:38 PM
Resident Gomer Pyle was robbed by a stranger while delivering a medium Hula-Do-Ya-Love pizza (ham and pineapple). Citizen's statement reads: "Well, Golly! My first day on the job as a Pizza Driver, and I go and get mugged! Goldarnit! Who woulda thunk? Golly! I guess I just ain't cut out for this job! Maybe I should join the Army!" Citizen later joined the Army, thus launching his own highly successful spinoff television series.
Forgery, Misuse of Federal Property - County Library, 4/24/58 4:09 PM
Suspect "Opie" (see public loitering notice above) was arrested for using the Mayberry County Library typewriter to forge hundreds of North Carolina driver's licenses. Under interrogation, suspect claimed he was only using the typewriter to work on a school report about California Shipwrecks. Interrogator Andy Taylor, father of the suspect, loudly exclaimed, "Oh, Opie."
Inappropriate Attire - County Fair, 4/25/58 8:41 PM
Citizen Bertha Edwards was arrested at the County Fair Cook Off for wearing a T-shirt that read "Kiss My Grits." Suspect was apparently in an especially dour mood after her Twice-Baked Grits finished a meager fourth place. Suspect claimed that her grits were "the best of the millennium," and that she's planning on "ditching this one-horse town."
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