The new Star Wars movie is probably the most eagerly anticipated film in the history of the universe. Unfortunately, the advanced publicity seems to be overshadowing many other notable movies. Take the upcoming Bond film, The World Is Not Enough. Replete with all the James Bond sights and James Bond sounds you've loved for decades, the movie is chock-full of new characters--some vile, some seductive, some annoying. Here's a peek:
Lachlan MacEwan
A malevolent and ruthless Scotsman, MacEwan uses his command of the bagpipes of the world to knock off his enemies' equilibrium. Getaways prove to be non-stop thrill rides when MacEwan picks up a French-made Grand Cornamuse pipe and starts blowing. On any continent and in any situation, Bond's gadgetry is rendered useless once MacEwan's unleashes his bagpipe expertise. The malicious MacEwan is particularly adept at blowing a single, sustained and horrific note, often for several sickening minutes, thereby inducing a long-lasting and nauseous vertigo.
Dr. Dewpoint
A deranged hare-lipped meteorologist with a penchant for cough syrup, Dr. Dewpoint manipulates weather systems in order to derail emerging democracies, frighten young children, and spread bad vibes around the office. Watch as Dr. Dewpoint drops a F-5 twister on the annual St. Augustine Orphanage picnic. Gasp as Dr. Dewpoint unleashes gale-force winds on a tiny Panamanian schooner bound for a three-hour tour. Can Agent 007 defeat this nefarious foe? Maybe with the help of Catch the Wind, an informative wind prediction service for kite flyers and outdoor enthusiasts.
Skeptical Henrietta
Skeptical Henrietta, Bond's latest companion, complements her partner's machismo with a rational, inquisitive mind. For instance, Henrietta wonders how Bond's hair stays perfectly coiffed through all of those tank chases and sewer escapes? Why do Bond's enemies always leave him alone for long periods of time instead of just killing him? What's with those cheesy tuxedos? When she's not asking pointed questions, Henrietta browses Closing: The Life and Death of an American Factory, a series of photographs by Bill Bamberger that chronicles the 1993 closing of a family-owned furniture factory in Mebane, North Carolina. She appreciates the stark reality of the project.
Harry Smith
The late Harry Smith was the quintessential Renaissance man: artist, anthropologist, linguist, musicologist, and cosmologist extraordinaire. A critically praised painter and avant-garde filmmaker, Smith also recorded the seminal Anthology of American Folk Music, a multi-record set that helped trigger the folk-music boom of the '50s and '60s. In the new Bond flick, Harry plays himself. He and Bond enjoy a leisurely afternoon at the Cafe Parisien discussing Native American ceremonial chants. Later, Harry pops a cap in the ass of a would-be presidential assassin.
This to That
Adding to the long tradition of deadly henchmen--Oddjob, Nick Nack, Jaws--the new Bond flick introduces the tenacious This to That. Played by a resurgent Gary Coleman, the diminutive yet diabolical bodyguard disposes of secret agents by gluing them into fatal predicaments. In one scene, Coleman affixes a sedated CIA operative to the rear bumper of a 1974 Pinto wagon with a single glistening coat of 3M spray adhesive. The finale is a closely guarded secret, but rumors suggest that it involves Coleman attempting to "bond" Pierce Brosnan to the nose cone of a Tomahawk missile with nothing more than a dollop of Elmer's.
R
What's Sam Spade without a trench coat and fedora? What's Sherlock Holmes without a pipe and Deerstalker hat? What's James Bond without a shaken martini and a whole slew of supergadgets? Don't worry, gentle reader, it ain't gonna happen. This installment has Bond amply equipped as usual by agent Q and his new assistant, R. The new high-tech hardware includes a Palm Pilot that lets Bond download streaming-video lingerie shows while simultaneously launching tiny heat-seeking poison darts. The piece de resistance, however, is the ZeroXenon26, which features a Japanese phonetic dictionary that doubles as a fully functional B2 stealth bomber. Say-o-nara supervillains!
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