They've gone and done it again. The powers that be have cobbled together yet another definitive list--this one ranking the overall desirability of 250 assorted jobs. Unfortunately, not only is the order a little suspect (228. Butcher, 229. President of the United States?), there are also quite a few glaring omissions. In our tireless quest to serve the public, we've amended the list...
8. Painter
The list makers have this occupation ranked 221st, just ahead of Nuclear Plant Decontamination Technician, but we see things a little differently. Sometimes, it just pays to be conservative and choose a career in the arts. Consider one of the thousands of solid entry-level positions in poetry, performance art, or painting. Most come with good benefits, including dental insurance and 401(k) plans. God knows you'll make your parents happy. For further evidence, we refer you to the Collage Portal, a gallery of work from hundreds of executive and mid-level corporate painters. Just remember: Think outside the canvas!
14. Terrorist
Hardly the high-turnover occupation that it used to be, terrorism is poised for a comeback. Security at the world's airports is downright laughable--most are veritable smorgasbords of terrorist opportunities. Unlocked doors, overworked personnel, and faulty security equipment practically beg for "the wrath of righteous fire." With the introduction of the Unclaimed Baggage Center, today's terrorist can purchase suitcases for munitions smuggling, oversized clothes to conceal firearms, and kitschy souvenirs to perpetuate the "tourist" ruse. And it can all be done online from the comfort of the terrorist's safehouse or bunker.
22. Yanni
Nice work if you can get it. Perks include a big fancy jet, your very own symphony, and getting to smooch Linda Evans on the lips. On the downside: stage lasers in your eyes, beady looks from the timpanist, and gluing on that damn mustache every morning. This is a competitive field; there are over 400 Greek-American mustachioed world fusion composers in the greater Seattle area alone. Of course, Yanni has much less job security than, say a UNIX system administrator, but then again, it's not as stressful as being a fishmonger. Plus, you're a one-named person, which puts you in some pretty good company: Beavis, Jehovah, Sting, etc.
53. Accident Cleanup Technician
"A high-growth field with lots of benefits." That's how the profession is described by Steve Robertson of Milwaukee's Crash & Carry franchise. "We go in after the police and paramedics have left the scene," he explains, "sweeping up shattered windshields, collecting fenders and other jettisoned car parts." Robertson's biggest fear? That he'll burn out from daily exposure to "massive vehicular destruction." But for now, he's more than satisfied with the above-average pay, the flexible hours, and the free cell phones that he finds at crash sites "more and more these days."
88. Virologist
The negatives are obvious--a leaky valve or punctured facemask and, in seconds, you're hemorrhaging from every orifice while your skin falls off. Sure, liver damage, impotence, and psychosis aren't exactly a day at the beach, but when you strip away the incessant vomiting and excruciating pain, the gig seems a little sweeter. Think of the travel. You'll journey to far-off lands, meet new and interesting (albeit highly contagious) people. And by traveling to locales chock full of filth and disease, you'll undoubtedly become a savvy traveler, able to instantly distinguish the healthy spider monkeys from the less enjoyable foaming-at-the-mouth-and-screaming spider monkeys.
112. Luddite
While the number of Luddites seems to be on the rise lately, the profession is still ranked near the middle of the pack. Why? It seems that going around smashing cotton looms and wool-shearing machines isn't what it used to be. Luckily, most Luddites have updated their resumes with a healthy dose of general technological cynicism. Upside: it's great for conversations at cocktail parties. Downside: very limited participation in Internet IPOs. Of course, when they're not working, Luddites can be found in bookstores browsing through thoughtful technocriticism or reading the latest Web Design for Dummies book.
251. Star Wars Extra
Tread warily, aspiring sci-fi thespians! The job description reads like a cruise brochure: exotic travel, dynamite lunch buffets, cool t-shirts. Sounds like the Bahamas? More like Bosnia. You try sweating out a Tunisian sandstorm in eighty pounds of Golgarnian battle armor. Catching a swift kick in the crotch from Darth Sidious. Natalie Portman! Don't believe us? Peruse Lynn's Diary, a video documentary capturing the trials and tribulations of the Phantom Menace shoot. You're definitely better off fighting fires (#216) than hanging around a trailer full of bitter Shakespearean actors wearing latex alien heads.
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