The current swing-dance trend didn't just "happen." Neither did Nirvana, Swatch watches, Star Wars, Billy Ray Cyrus or parachute pants. We made them happen. The Picks of the Week staff was the impetus behind most of this century's more impressive trends, and although we can't lay claim to New Kids on the Block or mocha lattes, we are responsible for Britney Spears and Internet Cafes. With the new millenium nipping at our heels, we present the short list for the century's final big craze.
Slander
The recent spate of accusations and allegations in our nation's capital has inspired our first candidate: rumor mongering. Fabricate a story about someone. Make it scandalous -- the more outrageous the better. Can't stand your boss? Casually connect him with a Colombian drug cartel. Want to exact revenge on an ex? According to what you've heard, he or she was recently spotted coming out of the Rhinoplasty Surgery Center. So simple. Don't worry about any ramifications -- newspapers constantly slipup and then print retractions. We're planning something similar. Mark our words -- contrition will be huge in early 2000. Think we're lying? We'll give you a million dollars if we're wrong.
Academy Ante
What's the latest Hollywood craze to hit the heartland? Losing huge amounts of money on over-hyped media spectacles! Case in point -- Oscar betting pools. Oscar Picks is a shareware program designed to help you organize a betting pool for the 71st Academy Awards. Whether you want to impress your boss or entertain your friends, this little tool will make your Oscar pool the coolest one in town. Take advantage of the latest advances in revenue extraction technology, and use this handy program to enslave your friends, family, and co-workers in debt for the rest of their corporeal existences. And if you think gambling is cool, wait until you discover loan sharking!
Mush
Forget about the current crop of "hot" sports. Arena football is played out. Extreme skiing is for aging hippies. NCAA Basketball is a forty-minute yawnfest. If you're looking for hard-driving action (and want to look good doing it), saddle up and ride over to Dogsled.com. It's Iditarod time again and everyone's goin' Husky-happy! Visit the site to check out the the latest in hot parkas ("The Thermotech 9000 is one stylin' snowsuit") and cool Alaskan slang ("Juneau what I'm talking 'bout?"). You'll also find radio updates from the race, news stories, forums, chat rooms, and crucial tie-in products like Husky beanies, Iditarod Monopoly, and 6-inch platform mukluks. "I love this game!"
Word Butchering
Are you down with the funky new lingo? Speaking in malapropisms is sweeping the strip-malls, suburbs, and google-plexes! What's a malapropism, you ask? According to Webster's Dictionary, it's "the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context." Subscription safety glasses. Optical conclusions. Very close veins. Convulsive liars. Escape goats. Refraining orders. Slurred vision. You get the idea. So start talking in funky malapropisms, and remember: never let a gift horse in the house.
Celluloid
Hey kids! Trade in your skateboards and get in on the next hot trend: classic films! From the silent slapstick of Laurel and Hardy to the pinup pulchritude of Rita Hayworth, the latest craze is shaping up to be big big big. Take a cue from film-art supersite Matinee Today, with its dizzying collection of movie posters, magazine covers, and publicity stills, and you'll be the envy of everyone in your eighth-grade home room. Collecting beanie babies and burning bootleg CDs is passe -- start moving in the herky-jerky marionette style of an antiquated film projector and watch the ladies swoon!
Sendentary Spam
Trees are out! Scuzzy drives are in! Streams are wack! Sound cards are fly! Everyone knows that staying outdoors can expose you to the risk of skin cancer, harmful temperature fluctuations, and rapacious hordes of insects. These days, all the hip cats are indoors and in style. Just ask C-SPAM, a cool new site that features a scrolling display of unsolicited commercial emails. Simply choose your favorite background music, and enjoy reams of scrolling spam within the comfort of your own cubicle. It's ultimate in alienating, data-saturated experiences! Don't forget to check the sidebar menu for apocalyptic media updates.
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