Barbara Walters: Monica, do you feel you've been treated fairly by the press?
Monica Lewinsky: Pretty much. Most people assume that I'm bitter about all the attention, but that's not really true. In fact, I like hearing my name mentioned by attractive older men like Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather. Ted Koppel has good taste in ties, but I don't really get much of a sensual vibe from him. Strangely, Matt Lauer and Brian Williams don't quite do it for me. Linda once told me she had a thing for Greg Gumbel, but I don't even know who he is. [giggles.] I guess I should spend more time at NewsWatch, that web site that critiques the major news outlets along with summing up the day's major stories. Maybe when I get back from Zurich...
BW: Speaking of those infamous Zegna ties, how did you go about choosing neckwear for the President?
ML: Two words--Palette Man. It's an online color-matching resource. Lets you mix and match up to five different web-safe hues. Add, subtract, check text against different backgrounds. Whatever. You can even pick from predesigned palettes, each of which is described in simple language, like "full-bodied" or "romantic." I just clicked on "likely to induce highly irresponsible behavior in a chief executive," printed out the RGB codes, and headed down to Saks 5th Avenue. It was a snap!
BW: Very ingenious. I've heard that you're a big fan of vodka martinis.
ML: That's right.
BW: How much vermouth do you prefer?
ML: Just a tear-drop's worth. But the real trick to a great martini is using the right vodka. I prefer Absolut. Bill Barminski, one of my favorite contemporary artists, has just done a magnificent billboard for Absolut on Sunset Boulevard. It's got all sorts of moving parts and cute flashing lights. I like to look at it when I'm lonely. I also like lots of olives in my martini. And swizzle sticks. That's a funny word. Swizzle. Swizzzzzzzle. Swi--
BW: Do you think marriage and children are in Monica Lewinsky's future?
ML: Well, I'm not really attracting the marrying type. [laughs.] And homemaking can be a lonely, thankless task, especially when you feel like you're completely lost. I'm terribly confused in the kitchen. [snickers.] And it seems every time I do the laundry I change the color of my wardrobe. [weeps, then laughs.] That's the real reason I never washed that dress. On the other hand, I do make a very tasty Veal Osso Bucco. There was a time when the President and I talked about a future together, and how I would be a wonderful new homemaker. I'm a person.
BW: Yes you are, Monica. And you have a pet hamster named Snuggles?
ML: Correct. [big smile.]
BW: Do you use wood chips or torn newspaper for bedding?
ML: Wood chips, definitely. But don't take my word for it. Ask Hampy, the automated online hamster expert. Type in a hamster-related question and Hampy will respond with helpful advice on feeding, grooming, and caring for your little furry friend. Sometimes when I get really sad, I'll ask Hampy a question like, "Will I ever meet the man of my dreams?" He usually responds with something like, "Try dusting your hamster with a dry towel for maximum cleanliness." Still, it's nice to hear a familiar voice.
BW: What does the future hold for Monica Lewinsky?
ML: I'm seriously considering going into show business. I performed the theme from Ice Castles at my high school talent show, and most people don't know I was also the costume mistress. Plus I recently played a small role in an independent film. It doesn't have major studio distribution, but you can see it at ifilm. I play a flight attendant. I only had one line--"This trip's a bitch!"--but it was really fun. [laughs hysterically.] I don't know, though--I might become a lawyer or a beekeeper.
BW: Intriguing. A quick follow-up: Who won the AL pennant in 1979?
ML: The Orioles. I think they beat the Angels in four games. I don't remember much of the series--I was only five years old at the time--but I do remember that year in particular because of the whole Three Mile Island thing. My parents and I were looking at private kindergartens in the Harrisburg area. We hopped on a chartered jet back to LA as soon as we heard the news. I'm glad that only 22% of our power comes from nuclear reactors, but the prospect of a control-rod meltdown still scares me a lot.
BW: Okay, let's cut here. Great job, Monica.
ML: Thanks. Can we hug?
BW: I'll get back to you...
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