Adios George "The Animal" Steele! Sayonara Superfly Snuka! See you later, Junk Yard Dog! A brand new breed of wrestlers are crashing the mats, and they mean to maim!
Big Bubba Bodean
Hailing from the Ozark Mountains, Big Bubba Bodean pulverizes his opponents with a patented stranglehold dubbed "The Death Whisper." What's the secret to his bone-crunching success? "I hold the man down on the ground until the breathing stops." We heard that, Bubba! When he's not asphyxiating hapless opponents, Big Bubba Bodean enjoys brushing up on his favorite Broadway musicals at Musicals 101, a comprehensive survey featuring popular favorites like Cabaret, Guys and Dolls, and The King and I. Do we hear the sound of a crushed larynx?
Gunther "Krunchen" Munchen
The Nordic juggernaut from the Swedish town of Skulkikard has already developed a cult following among die-hard wrestling fans. His secret weapon? A back-breaking maneuver he calls "Danke Pain." Gunther lifts his opponent onto his shoulders, climbs up to the top rope, then throws him at the nearest snack vendor. When he's not snapping spines and taking names, Gunther browses As The Nile Turns: The Soap Opera That Was Cleopatra. A fascinating look at the noted Egyptian queen of yore, the latest offering from Discovery Online explores the power and the passion that was Cleopatra.
Rupert the Really Big Guy
Raised on a commune in eastern Oregon, Rupert quickly traded in his parents' earthy spirituality for a life of down n' dirty wrassling. Finding work as a short order cook at the Fearless Cookery, he took advantage of the caloric fare, quickly packing on more than 600 pounds. Soon he was reborn as the 780-pound behemoth we idolize today. This lard-laden hero destroys opponents with his unique move, the Sausage n' Biscuits, a whirling mass of blubber, gravy, and meat by-products.
Tulip the Truncator
In the testosterone-fueled world of professional wrestling, athletes like Tulip are too few. Always fresh from the salon, Tulip brings a fresh sense of style and sophistication to the ring. A recent bout found wrestling's favorite raven-haired tease adorned in a stunning Versace couture gown. To celebrate his victories, Tulip lays a freshly clipped flower on his opponent's chest and recites the following haiku:
I, Tulip, crush thee
Pile drivers and sleeper holds
I am so pretty
The Starch Knight
A former tag team partner of Rupert the Really Big Guy, the Starch Knight acrimoniously ended the partnership after a heated debate over the merits of garlic cheese bread versus baked potatoes. The recipient of professional wrestling's longest suspension (six days) for using the long-banned Au Gratin Scissor Kick, the Starch Knight has perfected a new move, simply named the Tuber. A tribute to spud gun technology, the move entails a quick shot to the belly, followed by a lengthy and extremely painful leg-hold known as the Scalloped Lock.
Hector "The Velvet Fist" Tavarez
Straight from a two-week headlining engagement at the Hungry Nugget Casino & Raw Bar in Reno, Nevada, Hector Tavarez returns to the ring, ready once again to pummel opponents with a lethal combination of flying drop-kicks and soothing lounge melodies. "As you see I will be forced to repeatedly pound their faces into the mat and then tinkle their ivories to the tune of Tito Puente's legendary 'Four Beat Cha-Cha.'" For more on the champ and his vicious (yet velvety) cohorts like Henry "Boom Boom" Mancini and Guy "Auld Lang Sayonara" Lombardo, check out Space Age Pop Music Standards.
Gustav Mauler
In homage to the current king of pro wrestling, Mauler recently unveiled a Bach-breaking series of holds called the Goldberg Variations. According to insiders at Flying Inkpot Classical Music Reviews, the "Somber Austrian" is close to challenging Stone Cold Steve Austin to a 40-minute cage match, tentatively labeled "The Bone Concerto in E minor" (Opus 32). When asked how he could reconcile his genteel, bespectacled appearance with his reputation for questionable "after-the-bell" knees to the groin, Mauler thought for a moment and simply stated, "Macho Man, you are going down for good this time."
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