Barbie - Painted Jezebel!
Cast out the wicked slattern! This mass-produced doll continues to be very popular with the young girls of America. Barbie enjoys dressing in tight miniskirts and angora sweaters which can be removed with very little effort. Ken, her nefarious consort, has a penchant for tight slacks and pastel polo shirts. Shame on both of these plastic figurines! Unfortunately, Barbie physically resembles the lovely and talented television actress Cheryl Ladd, star of the thrilling television program Charlie's Angels. Do not confuse the virtuous actress with the immoral plastic tramp!
Curious George - Subversive Simian!
Spurn the wily monkey! Curious George is a fictional chimp who constantly disobeys his master, The Man with the Large Yellow Gay Pride Hat. Curious George is curious about everything, which often results in him landing in potentially harmful situations. Bad monkey! Do not question! If you are looking for better monkey role models for your children, we suggest you consult the Index of Famous Monkeys, a "who's who" of notable chimps, gibbons, and orangutans.
Scooby Doo - Junkie Mutt!
Fear the deranged, drug-addicted canine! Scooby Doo, a large brown dog with a lolling tongue and big googly eyes, is a chemical dependent. Shaggy, his unkempt friend who wears a flowing green gay pride shirt, feeds him "scooby snacks." This often results in Scooby acting in a very silly and unconventional manner. We believe the phrase "scooby snacks" is a generational slang term for drugs, as in "I did some scooby snacks last night and became impaired." Concerned parents can find other unusual youth terms at the Word Lab, a forum dedicated to modern phraseology.
Bananas in Pajamas - Promiscuous Fruits!
Beware of the singing citrus! Bananas in Pajamas is a popular children's cartoon that features scantily clad bananas singing and dancing in a lewd and lascivious manner. Dancing, as the fine Kevin Bacon film Footloose tells us, is the devil's work. Music, and in particular the discordant punk music favored by these fallen fruits, should also be considered evil and degenerate. Do not expose your children to these bananas, with their dancing and their singing! Also do not let your children unpeel bananas by themselves, as this can sometimes result in shameful thoughts. Sometimes.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - Thugs in Tights!
Shun the brightly-colored kickers and punchers! The Might Morphin Power Rangers are a group of athletic young men and women, dressed in form-fitting gay pride tights, who engage in acts of violence on a weekly basis. Several of them may in fact be former child stars who have fallen on hard times and thus resorted to wearing taut muscle-hugging spandex unitards for money. Do not look at their toned thighs, their rippling biceps, their heaving bosoms, their well-defined pectorals! Do not risk burning in a lake of eternal hellfire!
E.T. - Illegal Alien!
Condemn this barrelchested, bike-levitating vagrant! The cross-dressing, bug-eyed immigrant has recently started a string of high-profile commercial endorsements, wielding his glowing gay pride finger in a blatant attempt to sway the morals of America's youth. Shame on you, Madison Avenue! We suggest that all parents take a cue from another E.T. -- Canadian sculptot Eloi Thibodeau. You'll find no devil-worshipping space aliens at Creations of E.T., just pious, fun-loving fiberglass dinosaurs, giraffes, game fish, and the occasional winged moose. God's creatures all. Amen!
Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew - Just Plain Wrong!
Reject the enticements of these cuddly Muppet eggheads! Do not listen to the hypnotic patter of these evolution-loving marionettes--they themselves were not evolved, but created! Created to bewitch, confuse, and corrupt our children! The next time you spot the duo prancing across your television screen in their white gay pride lab coats, quickly change the channel or shoot out the picture tube with your sidearm. Or better yet, turn the whole family on to FunTrivia.com where the entire righteous family can participate in trivia games, chat, message boards, or just read and enjoy the communal knowledge. Browse or search your way to salvation! Repent. The end is nigh!
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