"Hello. You've reached the offices of Yahoo! Picks of the Week. Please leave your name and number at the..."
BEEEP.
"Hi, this is Eileen from Pacific Power and Light, calling with your final warning. Your power will be cut off in 17 minutes. Not that it makes much difference, since there's a hole the size of Ecuador in the atmosphere over the North Pole and the whole planet is about to go up like a Roman candle. Just ask the folks at the Pew Center on Global Change, an organization that helps developing countries assess emission-reduction opportunities. They've undertaken international studies, conducted detailed analyses, and the verdict is in: we're toast. I suggest you head for high ground and remember to drink plenty of fluids. If you've already sent payment, please disregard this message. Thank you!"
BEEEP.
"Hey Picks people! This is Mindy and Dara from Washington Irving Middle School. We just want to say that Picks is totally rad and we read it all the time. Sometimes we print it out and read it in Earth Science class, then fold the paper into one of those fortune-telling thingies and we make all the answers about Kyle Johnson, who is in our gym class and is a total hottie. Anyway, we just wanted to say that it would be supercool if you would feature Terrifichick. It's got an interview with Kristin Hersh and stuff like how to make a personalized t-shirt. If you could mention it, we would totally love you forever. Bye-ee!"
BEEEP.
"Stick'em up! It's the police! Heh, heh, little joke there. All kidding aside, this is Captain Luke Longbottom of your local police department. This is in regard to your academy application. Seems there's a slight misunderstanding--our patrol cars do not feature...er...booty-bumpin' bass-thumpin' stereo systems. However, we do get standard AM fare: oldies, Garth, that sort of thing. If you have any more questions about our squad cars or about the life on the force, I suggest you consult Five-O Central, an informative personal page by Robert Smith of the Beaumont, Texas, Police Department. Thank you. And remember: don't do drugs or you'll go to jail."
BEEEP.
"Howdy gang! Management here. Just a quick heads-up regarding the new employee surveillance equipment. By now you've probably noticed the desk-mounted cameras, two-way mirrors, and forehead electrodes. When you think about it, a security monitor is a lot like a TV, and being on TV is really cool, so we hope you're excited! Heck, we may even submit some of this great footage to the Digital Film Festival, an online gallery of unique Quicktime movies. We've already got a great shot of Employee #0928342 sniffing Minwax in the janitor's closet. Keep up the great work, and please remember to limit those restroom breaks to under 300 seconds. Thanks!"
BEEEP.
"Picks, it's Walt Mossberg. From the Wall Street Journal. My editor is climbing all over me to try to capture a wider audience for this little column I write called "Personal Technology." Here's how you can help: Obviously, through the Journal I reach the affluent, the influential, and the culturally sophisticated. What I need is the 'other side of the coin,' so to speak. No offense intended, but I'm thinking that's where you guys come in. If you think your readers would be up for it, I'd be psyched if you could point 'em to Personal Technology. It's available for free, unlike the rest of the WSJ. Let me know what you think."
BEEEP.
"Dudes, you missed the Hotrod Reunion again. Ain't no party like a hotrod party, my friends. Spider and I spent most of Friday cleaning and polishing the ole '32 Ford. She was looking sooooo pretty. Took a little longer that usual 'cause of stupid Spider. He was wolfing down a bunch of buffalo wings and started choking. Had to do that Heimlich thing. So gross, man. Finally, he coughed up the wing and it flew into the manifold. Spent an hour trying to get it out. Lodged in there, bros. Anyway, the reunion was hot. Everywhere we looked there were fine-looking lassies with well-built chassis. And I ain't talking 'bout the cars. Hang on. (Long pause.) Oh man, I've gotta go. Looks like some kids are thinking about considering walking over here and looking at the '32. Sorry dudes. Hey, don't forget to look at the tricked-out '40 in this week's Jalopy Journal. So sweet."
BEEEP.
"This is the First Western Collection Agency. We've been checking our records and have found you to be delinquent on several eBay purchases. From the looks of it, you owe several thousand dollars. We see that, in the past month, you've bought 37 items, including a slightly soiled stuffed squirrel, a Charlie's Angels board game, and a talking Frankenstein. While these are certainly some very exciting eBay finds, the payment for all 37 items remains outstanding. Please send payment promptly. Also, your purchase of Little Miss No Name coupled with the Devil Doll has us worried about the community and, as a result, we will be reporting you to the appropriate authorities. Thank you."
BEEEP.
"Hello. This is Amanda Hugginkiss from the FBI. I've traced the crank calls you've been receiving and they seem to be coming from inside your office . We're not sure of the caller's intentions and why he is so concerned about your refrigerator's performance, but we are under the impression it is the same perpetrator involved in the famous Tube Bar prank calls of the 1970s. We don't think he's dangerous, but he is certainly more than capable of hurting your feelings. If you can hear my voice, get out of the house as soon as possible. And do not--I repeat, do not try and save the refrigerator. Save yourself!"
BEEEP.
"Hi, this is your Uncle Chester. How many times to I have to tell you to take me off the email list? So, like I've said a dozen times before: TAKE YOUR PICKS AND----"
BEEEP.
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