The Yahoo! Picks Staff was saddened by the news of Michael Jordan's retirement, but perhaps more importantly, we were concerned. How can the man possibly care for his wife and children when he retires at the logic-defying age of 35? Is he planning on winning the lottery? No doubt he's tucked a few bucks away in a 401(k) plan, and perhaps he's made a promising real estate investment or two, but the math just doesn't add up. Hence, we humbly submit these career alternatives:
Carny
Make no bones about it, the life of a carnival ride operator is fraught with frustration and boredom. But a man could do worse with his time: travelling across this great nation, bringing joy to little children, sending home a tidy paycheck. Sound interesting? We suggest Michael takes a gander at Festivals.Com, a comprehensive directory of festivals, fairs, and events happening all over the world. Click on the interactive map to learn about upcoming festivals in Illinois and the greater Midwest, or browse the travel guide for information on airlines, hotels, and the latest currency exchange rates. Can you say Air Tilt-A-Whirl?
True Crime Novelist
We know what he'd think: "Why would I possibly want to debase myself by churning out trashy supermarket fiction?" How does 10 grand in crisp new C-notes sound? We hear that's the going advance on a hack-em-up novel these days. Besides, not all true crime novels are tripe--Truman Capote's In Cold Blood, for instance, is a bona fide masterpiece. Familiarize yourself with the man's oeuvre at Truman Capote: A Black and White Tribute, an elegant tribute to the flamboyant artist who once quipped, "That's not writing. It's typing." Dust off that Underwood and sharpen those No. 2 pencils--it's time to start scribbling.
Deity
Michael could always start his own religion. Consider this: Just about everyone in the world already knows and reveres the man. If he were to suggest that his athletic abilities were, in fact, of divine origin, it's doubtful that many people would argue. Those three-pointers against Portland in the finals? No way there wasn't a higher power involved. He could undoubtedly find a place in the Patron Saints Index, a huge database detailing the lives, origins, and the areas of patronage for more than 650 saints. We can picture it: "Jordan passes to Francis of Assisi. No-look to Thomas Aquinas. Back to Jordan. He fakes right, drives left, and pops the baseline jumper! Amen."
Recording Artist
Shaquille can bust a phat rhyme. Grant Hill is an accomplished pianist. Still, we bet MJ could easily outdo both of them. Sports superstars and other entertainers have a long history of crossover success in the music biz. Take William Shatner. (Please.) Most of you probably own multiple copies of The Transformed Man, the Star Trek actor's seminal 1968 album. But if you are one of the sad few who don't own this masterpiece, check out the Captain James T. Kirk Singalong Site. Sample 15 seconds of Bill's version of "Mr. Tambourine Man" and just tell us that MJ couldn't wipe the recording studio with Shatner's sorry butt.
Park Bench Sitter
Michael Jordan could learn a lot from Forrest Gump. Their lives are almost parallel--they've both set records, been world champions, and met presidents. Forrest also spent a lot of time sitting in the park, wondering what it all meant. When Michael needs time to mull it all over, we suggest he head over to the Web's ParkBench. By combining videos and computers, the folks at ParkBench have created a visually stunning art exhibit. Sure, it's no "Space Jam," but if it's raining and the golf courses are closed, he might want to give it a peek.
Dog Wear Spokesman
Economists claim that MJ responsible for infusing over 10 billion dollars into our economy. That's a nice chuck of change, but how many endorsement opportunities are there for a 35-year-old former NBA player? Let's not be naive. Who will want to be like Mike if Mike turns into a stogie-smoking couch potato? Rumor has it The World Wide Wag is prepared to offer a considerable sum for him to sign on as spokesman for their line of "Cool Stuff 4 Bad Dogs." We can see it now -- Michael, a Pekingese and the slogan "I wanna be like Spike." Options are drying up, Mike. You might want to grab this one.
Elephant Tamer
As a college superstar at North Carolina, Jordan led his team to an NCAA title. He's always been loyal to the school, and now there is another North Carolina group that could desperately use your help. The North Carolina Zoo and a team of researchers are studying elephants in northern Cameroon, and they could use a little assistance from a former Tar Heel. Now, the position doesn't pay much (nothing actually), but we figure if he continues to endorse Rayovac Batteries, he'll be okay in the cashola department.
Fast Food Franchise Owner
Everyone knows McDonald's. How about McJordan's? There's no reason that His Airness couldn't quickly command a comfortable share of the burrito, chicken-finger, or veggie shake market. MJ's name is like money in the bank. Unlike, say, Timothy's McSweeney's name, which is like money borrowed from your cousin while you're staying on his couch, looking for a new job. This isn't to say that McSweeney will languish in obscurity for long. With the recent release of the quasi-literate, yet mega-hilarious print journal, McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, and its online doppleganger, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, there is a slim chance that Tim will achieve the very same level of recognition as Michael. Regardless, check out the 'zine--it rarely misses a free throw.
We hope these suggestions come in handy, Mr. Jordan. In the meantime, enjoy the cigars and golf games while they last! Take your time, but please, take our picks(s).
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