SANTA CLARA -- As the leading arbiters of cutting-edge online content, the Picks of the Week staff is proud to report that we've completed our Y2K preparations a full 12 months ahead of schedule. Not only have we already written "2000" in the upper right-hand corner of all our personal checks, we've also performed the following, little-known safeguards:
Set the VCR.
Everyone knows that date-driven appliances like videocassette recorders will have a high failure rate as '99 turns to '00. That's why we've gone ahead and set the timer for all the shows we'll be watching in the spring of 2000. Furthermore, we plan on avoiding movies altogether in the new millennium. Maybe we'll start going again after they've certified that all the popcorn machines are Y2K-ready. Until then, it's just a steady diet of movie web sites and online trailers. Speaking of which, the folks at Hollywood Online are currently taking votes for their first Golden Hitch trailer awards. Better vote for your favorites this year, since the power will probably be out for the second annual go 'round.
Acquire flame-retardant jumpsuits.
Preparation for the coming Y2K apocalypse has taught us that safety pays in many ways. For example, why did we pay $148 a pop for brand new fireproof bodysuits and matching space helmets? Ask us when all the computers in the world burst into flames next New Year's Eve! We picked up our fancy new duds at Firehouse.com, the immensely entertaining trade magazine written "by firefighters, for firefighters." Firefighter wannabes (guilty!) can check out the latest cool firefighter gear, pick up handy resuscitation tips, or read about the recent four alarmer in Lowell, Massachusetts.
Jiggle the handle.
Meticulously calibrated, the Picks of the Week bathroom facilities have long been Y2K compliant. That's because the designers and craftsmen of toilets have always been amazingly forward thinking. The earliest toilets, crude as they were, appeared around 2500 B.C. and were Y2K-B.C. compliant. Continuing that tradition, Roman toilet makers constructed lavatories that were completely Y1K-A.D. compliant. Now, due to the legacy of these lavatorial pioneers, there's never a worry when calculating commode compliance. Perhaps by viewing the evolution of toilets, today's software programmers can learn this powerful lesson in foresight.
Fix the icemaker.
To comply with the National Hockey League's strict new regulations, we've spent several thousand dollars upgrading the Yahoo! Zamboni. Back in the early Fifties the league had a taste of what happens when a Zamboni seriously malfunctions. The 1954 Marion (Ohio) Barons were warming up for their first-ever playoff game when the team Zamboni's catalytic converter failed. The driver lost control and the runaway ice-conditioner struck the Barons' starting goalie at 40+ miles per hour. The team had to forfeit the series and subsequently filed for bankruptcy. The Internet Hockey Database contains the only known remnants of the Marion Barons.
Secure higher ground.
When that Y2K tsunami sweeps across all of Earth's inhabited land masses, there won't be much left that ain't wet. We'll be snug and warm in our cool Y2K tsunami-retardant treehouse, but the rest of you folks better stock up on PowerBars® and arm floaties. We're going to watch the whole thing go down at the Multi-Cultural Recycler, a groovy site that instantly amalgamates dozens of webcam images into a digital collage at the click of a mouse. Sure, most webcam images are eye-gougingly monotonous (household appliances, highway overpasses, hamster cages), but just think of what all that stuff will look like underwater.
Stockpile traffic cones.
Many Y2K extremists have been stockpiling food, water, guns, and pornography. Here at Picks of the Week, we've been cramming our reserves with tens of thousands of traffic cones. Our cubes are overflowing with these precious orange "Helpers of Humanity." Sure, go ahead and laugh. When the nation's highway system fails, and cars and trucks are piled up on the roads, then maybe you'll understand our motivation. Our traffic cones will provide much-appreciated order to the chaos. Learn more about the importance of "the cone" at the Traffic Cone Preservation Society. (You can stop laughing now.)
Prepare to be boarded.
Pod People, as you know, are alien beings who take the guise of creepy artificial-looking public personalities like Al Gore, Gwyneth Paltrow, and pop music sensation 'N Sync. On New Year's Day, when they rip off their flesh-colored masks to reveal their googly bug eyes and forked tongues, you can bet we'll be scared pantsless. That's why we've started a letter-writing crusade asking Congress to earmark several million dollars for Pod People prevention. Luckily, the online collection of National Mail Order Association Winning Letters has been a great help. This set of 20 prize-winning solicitations from 1942 demonstrates how attractive illustrations, flattering remarks, and chipper attitudes can sell any idea or product no matter how shoddy.
All the best, fair readers!
-- the Picks staff
If you know of any timely, informative, or wacky web sites, please drop us a note. Also, feel free to send any general thoughts or comments about Picks.